Happy Year of the Cock! pic.twitter.com/I6lrTlmg9Q
— May Ling Su (@maylingsu) January 29, 2017
Get off to a rousing start with up to 50% off sex toys at Dildotown until February 2. If you order this early, you’ll have a little naughty something up your sleeve come Valentine’s Day.
I hope you still celebrate Valentine’s Day. Sure, it’s silly. It’s an excuse to sell chocolate, teddy bears, and roses. An excuse to get dressed and go out to a fancy restaurant. An excuse to order champagne, get tipsy, and fall into each others’ arms. An excuse to whip out that lingerie or sex toy you ordered. But why not? Let’s do it. Let’s fall in love!
Even demons know about love. Ask Lilith. Lilith: Generations of Cain is my newly released Book 2 of the Lilith Series. It’s gotten 5-star reviews on Amazon, where you can get a little peek at the first few pages, just click “Look Inside.” I also posted an excerpt from the chapter, Uruk, and a way for you to get free Lilith audio books.
One of my favorite scenes is the one in which Lilith encounters the two-tailed cat in Inanna’s temple. I posted it as an audio book sample on YouTube.
Can you handle a pussy-woman in bed? Sure, she’s soft…
Good morning! Did you guess which thing is not like the others? pic.twitter.com/LIFIjyxMIF
— May Ling Su (@maylingsu) December 3, 2016
… but remember she has claws.
— May Ling Su (@maylingsu) December 14, 2016
… but she cleans up quite nicely.
Until next time…
Let me take you to another world, a world created by my words and my voice. I want to take the intimacy between writer and reader to the next level. Let me make love to you aurally. We’ll explore Eden and the ancient world together. Listen as Lilith discovers the mysteries of sex, the forbidden fruit, her free will, and the power of words.
Did those excerpts whet your appetite? That’s good, because I’m giving away free Audible audio book downloads of Lilith: Generations of Cain. Here’s a tip: If you’re not an Audible member yet, sign up for a free 30-day trial membership and they’ll give you your first audio book free. Choose Lilith: Queen of the Demons as your free first audio book, then you’ll have both of my books for free.
In exchange I would appreciate honest reviews on Amazon, Audible, iTunes, GoodReads, or your own blog/social media channel. As a new author, and a self-published one, I can only rely on friends to help me get the word out. Reviews really help.
Comment or email if you’d like to get a free audio book download of Lilith: Generations of Cain. Tell me which platform you will be posting a review on so I can keep an eye out for it. I will email you back with details.
Lilith: Generations of Cain, Book Two of the Lilith Series, is live and ready to wreak havoc on your soul. Lilith is out of boring old Eden and thrust deep into the ancient world of Mesopotamia in this erotic adventure novel based on Sumerian, Babylonian, Egyptian, and Akkadian tales. Meet Blind Dragon, Og the Giant, the two-tailed cat from Inanna’s temple library, and many more sexy creatures as Lilith continues her search for love and redemption.
Meet Didi and Miu, courtesans from Inanna’s temple in this excerpt from the chapter, Uruk:
“You can rest here, Lilith. This is the courtesan chamber where all the girls stay. Your donkey will be stabled and brought fresh straw. Tonight we will be servicing guests. It would be educational for you to attend and see how things work here. We eat in two hours. Relax until then, and I will send someone after you when it is time.”
Inanna squeezed Lilith’s arm and was off. Lilith sat on the mat and set her things by her bed. Several of the girls came to greet her.
“Hello. First day at the temple?”
“There are services tonight. Will you be joining us?”
“I’m not sure. I think Inanna plans for me to watch. She said it would be educational. My name is Lilith, by the way.”
“Hello, Lilith. I am Didi and this is Miu. Why have you only come now, and not earlier?”
Lilith was confused. “What do you mean?”
The girls looked at each other and giggled. “I don’t mean to sound rude, but you seem a few years older than most.”
Lilith thought about it. Age? Who knows what happened when I said the ineffable name? I could be hundreds of years old by now. Time had become so abstract after my visit to the firmament. She eyed the girls, “Yes, I may be a few years older than you. Is there a specific age girls come here?”
“You don’t know? Where are you from?”
“I’m from far away. I started out in a place called Eden, but now I live on Mount Hermon.”
The girls had never heard of either place. “Here in Uruk, it is customary for all girls to serve Inanna when they come of age.”
“Come of age, what does that mean?”
The girls giggled again. Didi bent down and whispered, “You know, when you get your first period.”
“Period? What is that?”
The girls are shocked. Miu leaned in, “You know, when you bleed. Down there.”
Lilith finally understood. “Oh, that happened to me during my vision.”
Now the girls were confused. Miu asked, “Vision, what do you mean?”
“Oh, it was like a dream,” Lilith answered.
Miu and Didi exchanged looks. “No wonder you have not come to the temple. You are not a woman yet.”
Lilith felt insulted. “I am a woman! I’ve had children, many children in fact! I bled a little after I gave birth.”
“Oh, that explains it. After pregnancy you skip your period for a while, and if you get pregnant again, then you skip it some more. How odd. I’ve never met a girl who has never had her period before.”
Lilith wanted to change the topic. “When you come to the temple, how long do you have to serve?”
The girls looked at each other and giggled again. “That depends!”
Lilith wondered what was up. “Depends on what?”
“You really do not know, do you?”
Lilith began to get annoyed. She really wanted to be working on the key to her grimoire. These silly girls were using up her free time before supper.
“I think you may be confused. I’m not here to serve the temple. Inanna is helping me work on a project, and then I’ll be going. I have a lot of work to do, so if you don’t mind…”
The girls seemed disappointed, “But you are so pretty, Lilith. You’d have no problem serving the temple.”
“Why, what is it that you do here?”
The girls looked at each other.
“You tell her.”
“No, you tell her.”
“Okay, I’ll tell her. When a girl comes of age we have to serve the temple until a patron pays tribute to have sex with us. After we have completed this task we are free to go. We can stay if we want, but we cannot leave until we attract at least one paying patron.”
Lilith was intrigued. “You mean every girl must come here and can’t leave until she fucks someone?”
“Basically, yes. Most girls leave after their first patron, but some of us love it here. Some want to make riches. The temple keeps all of your first patron’s offering, but if you stay everything is split in half from then on. I think many stay for the sex. Some like the food and shelter. Others want the education. This is the only place for women to learn to read and write.”
Miu butted in, “And then there are the girls who are trapped here because no one wants to fuck them. That’s the saddest thing.”
“Oh, you’re horrible.”
“I know, I’m a catty bitch.”
Lilith found herself amused by the young girls.
“So you’re stuck here if no one wants to fuck you?”
“That’s right. The men come as our audience. We put on a little show, dance and sing. When we are done, we line up and they choose. Many times there are more girls than guys. Of course, the pretty ones are chosen first. The plain, ugly, and fat girls don’t stand a chance if there aren’t enough men.”
Miu raised her arms dramatically. “Trapped here forever, sad and unfuckable!”
“I can’t believe you.”
Lilith shook her head and smiled. “How long have you two been here?”
Miu answered first, “I’ve been here four months. It’s fun. I like the party atmosphere. It’s so boring back on my parents’ farm. I’m having a great time, and I have made many talents of gold for the temple.”
Didi rolled her eyes, “You have not! Do you know how much a talent of gold weighs? More than you!”
Miu gyrated her hips, “Oh, come on, this pussy brings them in the door, sister. All my patrons are repeat customers! Line ‘em up!”
Didi made herself comfortable next to Lilith. “I have been here about eight weeks. I’m not sure what I am to do. My aunt takes care of me, but other than that I’m an orphan. The food and opportunity here is better than what I have at home. I may end up staying until I find a husband to take me. If no one marries me, then I will save up enough gold to live well.”
Lilith had a million questions now. “Do the girls often find husbands?”
“It all depends. If you are looking for a husband you tell them so. You tell them how much you look forward to them visiting. How you want them to take you away and rescue you from this place. Make ‘em feel like a hero.”
Lilith was amazed. “I have only come to use the library. That is why I am here. But I have to admit, the party sounds pretty good too. I could use a good fucking.”
The girls giggled. Didi leaned over and stroked Lilith’s long black hair. “You’ll be right at home then. Plenty of fucking for everyone here. You say you’re here for the library? You know how to read and write?”
“Yes, a good friend has tutored me. I can read and write cuneiform, Akkadian, Hebrew, Egyptian hieroglyphs…”
“Wow, Lilith! It is rare for a woman to be trained as a scribe. Only here in Inanna’s temple do they allow women to learn such things.”
Lilith seemed confused. “What does gender have to do with it?”
Didi wasn’t sure. “I don’t know.”
Miu spoke up. “Men want all the power. Reading and writing is very powerful.” Miu paused thoughtfully. “We should spend more time in the library.”
Didi shook her head and sighed. “It’s true. I hardly ever go in there. Too busy eating and fucking!”
Miu laughed. “Didi, you are crazy!”
Join me on this exciting new adventure. Lilith: Generations of Cain is now available as a Kindle download, a paperback, and an audiobook. Let me know what you think. Leave me an honest review on Amazon. I would really appreciate it.
This past month I’ve been very busy tying up loose ends and recording the audio book for Lilith: Generations of Cain, book two of the Lilith series. Any day now it will be available for sale as a Kindle download, a paperback, and an audiobook.
I recently had a request for a paperback of Lilith: Queen of the Demons, signed in menstrual blood. As my period coincided with the supermoon, the closest the moon was in our lifetime, signing my book in blood at that moment made me feel like I was making something cosmically unique, like a horcrux. Now it’s somewhere in the Netherlands, this piece of me. Weird, huh?
In light of current events, I wrote a piece of naughty flash fiction about our President-Elect Donald Trump: The She-Demon of Trump Towers. I wrote it earlier this year, when I honestly believed he was a patsy to ensure a Clinton presidency. I mean, everything he said while campaigning seemed designed to piss people off. No one can be that atrocious, right? Apparently I’m wrong. It strangely inspires me. If Trump can be POTUS, anything is possible!
In between all this book publishing, I’ve been having fun with my Snapchat. Are you on it? The filters are amusing as hell. Check out this little video we shot on it, which became this past month’s Caption This Contest. I gave away a week-long MAYCAM password to the winner. Come back for more chances to win.
Every day is one closer to the release of Book Two of the Lilith series, Lilith: Generations of Cain. I’m beyond excited. I’m giddy and madly in love.
Have you read the first book yet? Get ready for Book Two by reading Lilith: Queen of the Demons. It is a free download at Kindle Unlimited. If you don’t have access to Kindle Unlimited, you can still download it free from Thanksgiving Thursday, November 24, to Cyber Monday, November 28. Here is a little excerpt from Lilith: Queen of the Demons to whet your appetite. It shows the moment when Lilith first sets eyes on the stranger in paradise, the one who takes her on her journey to find the meaning of life and love. From the chapter titled Fire:
Lilith took Adam’s hand and led him into the waterhole to wash off after all their toil. They splashed and frolicked until it was too cold to continue. They sat in the last sunny spot and dried off as the sun began to set.
Their shelter was small but adequate. They fluffed up the straw and grass, and huddled together for the night. Adam fell asleep fast, but Lilith watched the night sky through the opening. The stars amazed her. A crescent moon smiled down on Eden. She reached into the clay pot she had made and nibbled on the last few figs that she had found earlier in the day.
Above, clouds began to move in. She watched the stars disappear. The glow of the moon lit the clouds from behind. The cool air became humid and warmer.
A light mist started to fill the air and it began to rain. The wide tropical leaves on the shelter’s roof kept the couple dry. The rain fell stronger, but the raised floor protected them from the puddles below.
Lilith felt all snuggled in, safe, and protected. She felt lucky. Adam was fast asleep. He was missing the show. Lilith was wide awake. The rain was exciting to her.
Without even thinking, her hand found its way between her legs. She spread herself wide and caressed her cunt. The energy of the rain storm turned her on. Lilith arched her back, and as her fingers moved faster, the rain storm and wind became stronger.
Light flashed in the distance. Silhouettes of mountains appeared with each flash of lightning. The rumble of thunder coursed through her body as she rubbed her fingers around and around her clit.
Her body arched back with orgasm as lightning struck nearby.
Adam woke with a start. “What’s going on?”
“Shhhh… it’s okay. It’s only a rain storm.”
“Wow, I was dreaming. I was eating apples.”
“Of course. Apples. Go back to sleep, you apple crazy boy.”
The storm drew closer and closer. Lilith looked at Adam as he huddled up and went back to sleep. She put two wet fingers in her mouth and tasted her orgasm. Outside, lightning struck a tree with a bright flash.
Adam and Lilith jumped from the loud crash. She put her hand on his back. He relaxed back saying only, “Apples.”
The tree outside had split. A small fire formed on the ground among the dry sticks and leaves. Lilith had never seen fire before. Her curiosity was peaked. She sat up watching the fire grow.
A dark shape took form inside the fire. Lilith saw the shape of a man rising inside the flames. The man inside the fire rose up and extended two large bat-like wings and stepped out of the fire. He shook off ash, flapped his wings and folded them back up. He raised his face to the rain as it began to die down, and walked off into the dark.
Lilith didn’t know what to do. She looked at Adam. She thought he was probably dreaming of apples so she left him to it. She crawled out of the small opening of their shelter and wandered slowly and cautiously toward the fire.
It glowed yellow and orange. It was warm. The fire consumed sticks and leaves, so she put more of them on the fire, and it grew. She held her hands out and felt the warmth enter her body. Fire is good, she thought.
She used a half round piece of bark to scoop up some of the embers and fire and brought it back to the shelter. She poured the embers inside the clay pot that once held the figs. She placed the burning pot just outside the entrance a short distance from their hut. She added more sticks to it. The fire grew.
The rain stopped, and the clouds opened up to stars again. Lilith sat by her little clay pot of fire and fed it small pieces of wood they had collected from building the shelter. She crawled back into the hut. Every now and then she went out and fetched another pile of sticks to keep the fire going. Soon the fire was bigger than the clay pot. Lilith continued to feed more and more branches to the fire surrounding the clay container.
She sat warming herself by the fire and thought, Who was it that appeared in the fire? Eden is full of so many mysteries.
Download Lilith: Queen of the Demons this Thanksgiving weekend. Cheers!
For Donald Trump’s eighteenth birthday, the she-demon Satrina, who appeared as his college advisor, instructed him to bring her a goat as part of his final exam. He ran around the hot streets of the Bronx, down to Chinatown and Alphabet City, all the way out to Brooklyn and Queens. Just when he had given up and was on his way back, he finally found a makeshift petting zoo at Union Square.
The young goat was surrounded by children giggling and rubbing their fat fingers in the goat’s fur. Donald whipped out a wad of cash and negotiated with the stocky Mexican man tending to the animals. The man wouldn’t budge.
“No, la cabra not for sale. For children, see?”
It was two-thirty in the afternoon and he had no time to dicker. He kicked the Mexican man in the groin, pushed the children aside, and grabbed the goat. He ran. He could hear children wailing, mothers screaming.
One of them yelled, “Police!”
He kept running as the goat bleated into his ear. He headed for a stopped yellow taxi. An old woman with a cane was carefully lifting her leg into the cab. Donald pulled her and threw her to the curb. He got into the backseat with his stolen goat and slammed the door shut.
“The Bronx!” he ordered. The driver looked at Donald’s red sweaty face, looked at the whining goat, and drove away, leaving behind a beat cop scratching his head, holding a pad of paper and pen, surrounded by the Mexican man, mothers holding toddlers, and onlookers pointing toward the fleeing taxi and the old woman bedraggled on the sidewalk.
At three o’clock on his eighteenth birthday, Donald ran into his college advisor’s office in Fordham with the goat in his arms.
Satrina stood by the window in her office. Her black hair fell shiny and full down to her tiny waist. Her eyes shined like black diamonds.
Donald hadn’t yet caught his breath. His face turned even redder. After all the trouble of bringing her a goat, he wanted to scream.
“I will not tolerate tardiness in my apprentice, Donald Trump. You’re fired.”
Anger turned into fear. Donald’s face went from red to white. The stupid goat kept fussing in his arms.
“No, no, please,” he begged. “The goat. I got you a goat. It wasn’t easy.”
“Easy? Did you think it would be easy? Of course it wasn’t easy. If it was easy, everyone would win. Everyone would be president.”
“Please, I’ll do anything,” Donald fell to his knees. “Please take me back, I beg you.”
Satrina walked away. Donald followed her, still carrying the goat with him. They entered University Church. It was dark and empty. Satrina walked up to the altar and turned to Donald. She took the goat, and for the first time the goat was quiet.
“Prove yourself to me.” Satrina handed Donald a knife with an ornately carved handle. He took the knife with shaking hands. “You know what to do.”
He focused his eyes on hers. Her face was shrouded in shadow but colored light came in through gothic stained glass windows to illuminate her eyes. She held the goat and exposed its neck to him. That poor little lop-eared goat. Its fur was so white, its nose so pink. It stuck its soft pink tongue out and licked Satrina’s finger as she held its head up.
He did it. He slit the goat’s throat. It kicked against her as she sucked on its blood.
“Quickly!” she spat at him as she handed him back the dying goat. “Drink!”
Donald sucked. He felt a surge of power in his veins. The metallic taste of blood electrified from the center of his body to the tips of his limbs. He felt a roar well up in his throat. The goat’s kicking slowed until it stopped. She pulled the dead goat off his mouth and kissed him.
They sucked blood off each other’s mouths. She laid the sacrifice down on the altar, pulled Donald’s pants down, and pulled her black pencil skirt up over her thighs.
“Fuck me,” she ordered.
“Fuck my ass! Desecrate this altar with sodomy.”
She crouched on all fours and stretched her back like an animal. He mounted her, rammed his cock into her wet cunt.
“My ass, you numbskull!” she demanded. “Fuck my ass!”
He pulled out of her dripping cunt and pushed his lubricated cock into the tight pursed mouth of her anus.
“Yesss!!!” Her eyes rolled back in ecstasy, her breathy voice mumbled phrases in Hebrew, Latin, Greek, Farsi. He fucked into her until he emptied himself into her thirsting ass.
“I love you…” he cried. His voice sounded like the bleating of a dying goat.
Through the years, she guided him with every business deal, every property purchase, every decision. With her instruction, he built every Trump Tower the world over with a sub-basement.
“Your very own entrance to Sitra Ahra, where you rejuvenate your energy,” she said. No matter where in the world he is, he could come to the sub-basement of a Trump Tower, and there she would be. He never questions it. With his trust in her grows his wealth and power.
His prior marriages ended because his wives questioned his daily disappearances at three in the afternoon. Those wives did not know their place, and they had to be done away with.
Donald’s devotion is only to one. Satrina, the true Miss Universe, to whom the most beautiful women all over the world pay homage.
“My queen.” She never ages. She remains in the fullness of her beauty from the moment he met her to this moment, when he kneels naked in front of her, an aging multi-billionaire.
She digs her high heel deeper into his shoulder and pulls him toward her exposed cunt. Donald plants his mouth around her swollen clitoris and suckles like a babe. She grips his head by his hairsprayed hair and rubs the sensitive folds of her cunt around his swirling tongue. He inhales her deeply. He fills his every molecule with her. He drinks her eternal juices. She writhes and shudders with pleasure, then pushes him away from her.
“I want you to build me a large structure that extends all the way across America. Above ground it will be a wall, a border between the United States and Mexico. Underground it will be the biggest gate to Sitra Ahra.”
“Your wish is my command, my queen. When I am President…”
Are you ready for this? Turn your audio on and press play. It’s time to play the Caption This Contest. I am giving away a MAYCAM password good from November 7th till the 13th to whomever comes up with the best-fitting caption for this short video clip.
Amuse me! Delight me! Make me giggle and squeal! Ooooh!
Post your entries into the comment box below or comment on my Instagram clip before Monday, November 7. Adult participants only.
Have you seen this?
A white woman yelled “Go back to China!” at an asian man on the street. He turned around and yelled back at her, “I was born in America!” The asian man happens to be New York Times deputy Metro editor, Michael Luo, who then wrote an open letter to the offending woman. He also started a twitter conversation about Asian-Americans’ experience of racism, #thisis2016.
Most of it sounds like petty playground taunting. The fact that an asian man can confront his abuser and write about it later on the New York Times shows he has power. Had it been a black man doing the same thing, he would have been shot dead on the sidewalk before he even opened his mouth. Had it been a Muslim doing the same thing, s/he would have been labeled a terrorist and taken away, never to be seen on the face of the earth. I’m exaggerating, of course, but not by much and you know it.
I do have a problem with people assuming “victim” status. I’m not talking about real assault here. I’m talking about words thrown about carelessly on one hand, and hypersensitivity to certain keywords on the other. On the playground, if you let a bully see your weakness, the bully wins. Remember, the best defense is offensive. Here are a few suggestions for snappy come-backs to racist comments:
- People talk “ching chang chong” around you? Don’t act all hurt. “Ching chang chong” back at them. Incessantly, like you’re their new best friend. “You-me-ha-ha!” I’m pretty sure it’ll weird them out enough to stop, or if they have a sense of humor they’ll actually laugh at you and themselves and the whole situation in general.
- Someone call you Bruce Lee? Say thanks, it’s an honor. The man is a god! Then whip out some karate chops. You don’t know karate? Just make shit up. Racists are stupid. They won’t know the difference.
- Someone tell you your English is perfect? Say, “Thanks! Yours needs work.”
- Someone ask about your slanted vagina? Say, “Yes, and I’m another slanted vagina you’ll never get to fuck.”
- Someone tell you to go make chinese food? Take their money to go.
- Someone wants to kick your butt back to China? Kick their butt back to Ireland. Not from Ireland? Who cares? I’m not from China!
See what I’m getting at? Asians can out-racist the racists. We’ve had plenty of experience. East Asians think they’re better than South and South-East Asians. Chinese, Japanese, and Koreans don’t like each other either. Singaporeans and Hong Kong Chinese hate Filipinos.
If there is anything #thisis2016 has shown me, it’s that Asian Americans are racist against Asian-Asians. They’re saying, “How dare you lump me in with immigrants and international students who don’t speak English well or at all! How dare you compare me to low life sex workers, maids, nurses, delivery boys, cooks… I’m better than them! I’m American!!!”
I’m a naturalized American citizen originally from the Philippines. I’m a college graduate and my American English is impeccable. But you know what? I put on a mock Asian accent and race play with white men in my latest MAYCAM video. Why? Because it’s naughty. Because I like Asians, yes, including the whores, the maids, the nurses, the delivery boys, the cooks… I am them and they are me. Because calling myself racist slurs does not threaten my racial dignity any more than being a sexual submissive threatens my feminism.
How does your hard white cock feel about that? Love me long time, Joe?
When I started this blog in 2002, it was a diary of a young wife exploring the intricacies of sex and marriage. My man and I wanted to defy stereotypes of what marriage was supposed to be and redefine it according to our needs. We threw ourselves into edgy situations. Sometimes it was fun. Sometimes we got hurt. Lessons in life and love are rarely dealt without pain. Through it all I blogged about it. I wrote about hot steamy sex and I wrote about loss. That blog is now archived, and still ongoing in MAYCAM, a private website for members only.
I made the decision to make it private because I want to know that I am in the company of friends when I lay out intimate details of my personal life. If you have been here before, then you know what to expect. A small token of your esteem lets me know that you are more than a casual observer perusing my pleasure and pain apathetically. I want to know that you consider my secrets a bit of a treasure.
(And by secrets, I mean my ass. Just kidding. Actually, not really. Moving on…)
MayLingSu.com is now the home of my erotic book series about a powerful and mysterious character that has been stripped from one of the oldest stories ever written. The first volume, Lilith: Queen of the Demons, is my way of patching up the gaping hole in the first three chapters of the book of Genesis with elements from The Midrash, Hasidic tales, and The Alphabet of Ben Sira, a Persian or Arabic text published in the 11th century. In it, Lilith stood as an equal to man, defied the patriarchal world that God wanted her to live in, and became an archetype of badness to scare anyone seeking to explore the murky depths of sex.
The second volume, Lilith: Generations of Cain, opens Lilith up to the ancient world at large as she shimmies her way through Sumerian, Babylonian, Egyptian, and Akkadian tales. She continues her badassery in the name of love and forms the most awe-inspiring pussy posse to ever storm the underworld. Lilith: Generations of Cain is coming soon.
I will be posting excerpts from my books, flash erotic fiction, and a good dose of mischief. By popular demand, I’m bringing back contests with prizes. And if you subscribe to my blog, I will post an occasional password-protected entry containing excerpts from MAYCAM exclusively for subscribers. Deal?
Enter your email address below:
Delivered by FeedBurner
One month down, the days are flying by. How are you doing with your New Year’s Resolutions? According to folklore we’re supposed to break all of our resolutions by Twelfth Night, which was January 6. Apparently, we would bore the gods if we actually succeeded in our goals for the year. I say it depends on what your resolutions are.
If it is, as mine is, to be like Lilith, bolder in living, loving and learning, there might yet still be some entertainment left for the gods.
I often sign off with “Love, Lust, & Liberty,” and I do that because I truly wish it for you and for me. Sometimes, though, Love, Lust & Liberty seems so elusive. When it does manifest in life, it is so ephemeral. We catch glimpses of them, maybe feel as if we have them in the moment, and then as time passes, we find ourselves missing them. Missing the Love, the Lust, the Liberty.
What we do have always is desire and fear. Desire is that which we want (the very essence of wanting it means we don’t have it, we are left wanting). And then there is fear, the threat of danger or pain. Sometimes the object of our desire and our fear is one and the same.
My life is lived within the tension between desire and fear. I want it, I fear it. Or rather, I fear rejection, or exposure, or humiliation, or more tangibly, a backlash toward me and my loved ones from my community, if I was exposed as one who has such a deviant desire. But oh, I want it! I desire so much to live, to be free, to love, to lust, to be liberated, and to liberate.
So I walk the tightrope between my desire and my fear. Often, fear dominates, and I live a life less than. I tone down my desires, muffle it, put the fire out. I pretend I don’t want it. I convince myself it doesn’t matter to a life well lived. I disassociate. My fear cuts me off from my desire. I accept everything that is thrown at me. Boredom, violence, work, inundation. I get to work. I see everything as work. My duty.
I feel blessed that the person closest to me is a squeaky wheel crying out for me to live, to take the leap with him, to take initiative. Desire wins for a moment, but always in the context of approval. Is this okay? Am I still okay? I haven’t lost you, have I?
I should more often and more adamantly ask myself the same question:
I haven’t lost me, have I?
I wish I could say that I kicked off the year with a bold new me that, like Lilith, is bigger than my fears. I didn’t. Every initiative I took toward my desire was awkward, nervous, weird. I completely lose my cool when I’m around someone I find sexually attractive. I ramble like a fool. I walk away wanting to kick myself in the head. But it’s still better to exercise those nerve endings and put myself out there than to play it safe.
Fortune favors the bold. Take a deep breath, keep calm and boldy go.
Love, Lust, & Liberty,
Hangout on Air with me as I read excerpts from my erotic novel, Lilith: Queen of the Demons, on Tuesday January 12 at 4:30 pm Eastern.
See you soon!