May Ling Su

My thoughts on the HBO documentary, “Thinking XXX” by Timothy Greenfield-Sanders:

Of course, his concept of photographing “XXX: 30 Porn-Star Portraits” clothed and then nude is a nod to Francisco Goya’s paintings of The Clothed Maja and The Nude Maja. The Spanish Inquisition considered both paintings obscene, but human civilization has come a long way since then. Or have we?

It was great to hear the porn stars talk about their lives, the positive and negative sides of the industry they are in. It’s really wonderful seeing women like Jenna Jameson, Nina Hartley and Jesse Jane choose their place in the world with such conviction. There are no barriers for people like them. The world is their oyster.

Then there is the other side. Tera Patrick talked about being burnt out on her work, how at home with her husband she only makes love missionary style with the lights off. It’s ironic that she is willing to do for money something she does not freely give to her husband. Does she consider her work “dirty” and that this sort of work has a high price, too high for her own husband to pay? And who’s the schmuck who gets to say, “She won’t do this for her own husband, but she’ll do it for me.” Strange world.

P.S. Maybe I’ve gotten desensitized to the sight of skin on screen, but I was most intrigued by how John Waters looks. He is so interesting!!!

Tonight, we’re watching Thinking XXX on TV. I’ve been seeing the previews on HBO for a few weeks now. Even caught a glimpse of my red plaid skirt. It’s on at 11:00 PM on HBO-East and then again at 2:00 AM on HBO-West.

Saturday, October 30, there’s an art opening for Timothy’s portraits at the Mary Boone Gallery, and then an After Party we were invited to… but we’re grounded here in California…

God! I wish I still lived in New York City, so if I was feeling good on that day I could just walk to the gallery, and the party… and shmooze with porn stars and rock stars with my big belly hanging out.

The doc stuck her finger in my cooch today and said my cervix hasn’t yet dilated. I’m within the full-term pocket but I still have to wait.

I have no regrets about having a baby at this time. There are so many exciting events we’re sitting out because of my pregnancy, but it’s worth it. Call me crazy but having a monkey baby is really important to me. I just know I have an amazing child inside me.

In the meantime, Jay and I are fucking like crazy people. My midwife says that oxytocin, the natural hormone that brings labor contractions on, is produced during sex. Once water breaks, though, we can’t be penetrating my cunt anymore to avoid infection. We’re just gonna have to stimulate me in other ways… and I’ve got a few ideas in mind.

I haven’t been sleeping lately. Stressed out about giving birth. All the possibilities of worst case scenarios plague my mind. I know I’m a strong woman, healthier than most people I know. I feel that the many ways I’ve fucked over the past several years have prepared my muscles and mind for childbirth. I’ve learned to have a relaxed control over my body. My preparation has been from the very first time I ever had sex, to every new experience: having two cocks in my cunt, having one each in my cunt and my ass, two cocks in my ass, fisting…

I guess I’m just facing my fears, staring the demons face to face, as part of preparing for this most intense moment in my life. I know I can do it. I know that when the moment comes I will do very well. I guess contemplating this event is a lot more torturous for me than actually doing it. I’ve been in sexual situations that later on I am shocked I was able to do. But if I had to think about it for months in advance, I would have probably talked myself out of it.

I have to constantly remind myself that I am strong and healthy and absolutely capable. I can do it.

I only spent one day with Susan Shah. It was at the Porn Convention in Las Vegas over two years ago. I remember being struck by her femininity, how easily I slipped into giggling with her about men, the gentle touch of her hand when she pulled me into her room to whisper about girly things… clothes, sex, luxury.

I remember asking if she was planning to go all the way with transforming herself into a woman. She said that she liked her penis, and that she was more rare and special with it than without. I liked that. This certainty of what she wanted, who she wanted to be, was admirable to me. Her courage to be uncompromisingly herself inspired me.

So I am shocked beyond belief when I got news of her tragic death. She was an up and coming artist, and a strong voice in transgender issues. It seemed to me there was more she could have done in life, but that is not for me to decide or judge. Whatever her reasons, the turmoil or despair that may have prompted her, it is still all uncompromisingly her.

God giveth and taketh away. She has shown me the power of her god-ness - as creatrix of her own life and her own death. Susan Shah is her own alpha, omega and everything else in between.

I got an invitation in the mail for a Special Screening of “Thinking XXX” at the HBO Theater in New York. No matter how much I want to go, I really can’t… I’m just going to have to wait for its TV debut next week.

I recently had my home set up with HBO just for this occasion. So far I like watching Taxicab Confessions, the Cathouse documentary on the Bunny Ranch in Nevada, and my new favorite show, Larry David’s Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Someone ordered beef
at an East Indian restaurant
Who I am
and what I give
is not good enough
So I don’t talk dirty
when we have sex
Off camera
You use the same words
you want to hear
in lovemaking
in disgusting ways
when you’re angry
I buy my own cake
Blow my own balloons
Pretending pathetically
That I am happy
Just because you came

My days are filled with anticipation. The only way I can keep myself from the rising anxiety over childbirth is by keeping myself busy, preparing everything I need for the birth, preparing for the baby’s needs upon arrival.

Jay and I are preparing my body too. My midwife advised me to do back stretch exercises on all fours. She said that it would get my baby into anterior position for delivery. I always like to spice up my exercise regimen so I ask Jay to play with my body while I am on my hands and knees.

He stretches my cunt with his fingers while he plows his erection into me. I tell him to pull my cunt lips sideways and upwards toward my ass. My cunt juices up as he plunges into me, making a squishy sound with every thrust. I moan and squeal… I can’t believe how horny I have been throughout my pregnancy. I’ve never felt more womanly.

Jay and I were talking about how men and women differ in their general attitude toward sex. We both agree that it’s pleasurable, healthy and independent of love, although enriched by it. The difference, we discussed, is how the genders view sex in relation to procreation. Men, in general, do not think about making a baby when they are having sex. They want this thought as far away from their minds when they are getting it on. In fact, couples who put so much emphasis on “Quick, let’s do it now, I’m ovulating!” may more than likely be unsuccessful because of the undue pressure. Men like it dirty, not obligatory.

On the other hand, making babies is so tied into women’s sexuality. We are horniest when we are ovulating. Conception and contraception is always on a woman’s mind when approaching sexual contact with a man. For the longest time, I only would do oral sex because I was terrified of getting pregnant. When I finally had intercourse, I remember sizing men up based on their physical and mental attributes, the amateur geneticist that I am… just in case of the small possibility that my birth control methods failed me.

It seems that no matter how complicated the rituals are that we create around sex, it ultimately brings us back to our most basic selves.