May Ling Su

Hermes the Yuletide Elf is being deployed to the Middle East. He doesn’t know yet where he will land. He may be back by Christmas, or his trip may be extended indefinitely.

I took a good look at his bald head and pointy ears. There are no goodbyes in the elven world. He wished our child a wonderful life. I wished him angels on the road to no return.

I dreamed I had a son, a beautiful blonde boy, kissing me all over my face. J said, “Tell your father, Pete, that I owe him $10.” I scolded J for making such a statement to our son.

When I woke up I told J about this dream, and he laughed, saying it was a statement he was likely to say. Later on, he kept using that phrase on our baby, “Your father, Pete…,” knowing it would get a rise out of me.

Pete is this guy we knew, who had a problem. He would get blindly drunk and piss on people. One time he was working on a boat, fishing for clams. Of course, he got drunk with the men one night and pissed on the captain. The next day he found himself stranded on an island with no way of getting back home.

Aunt: There’s a church in my community that welcomes gays and lesbians, as long as they’re not practising.

Me: Oh, I’m sure there’s a gay bar somewhere that welcomes Catholics, as long as they’re not practising.

My cousin lost her breast to cancer and surgery.

Last time we spoke, she was jealous of my pregnancy. She and her husband, a doctor, had been trying to conceive for over a year. I’ve been putting off calling her since I heard the news. I had a lot of opinions, fears and feelings, none of which I wanted to share with her.

Everything she went through during the past month was a path I chose not to take over five years ago when I found a lump in my breast. My doctor advised me to get a biopsy. Unlike my cousin, I refused it. I monitored this lump often; it grew larger and more tender on some times of the month, and receded on others, but stayed more or less the same size. I did herbal cleanses and alternative therapies focused on making this lump disappear. Recently while breastfeeding my baby, I noticed that the lump in my breast is gone.

Today when I called my cousin, I was afraid I would sound smug and self-righteous. I, with the breasts and the baby, did the right thing. And she, boobless and barren, should listen to me.

But as soon as I heard her voice, I found myself listening more than talking. She wasn’t defeated. She was positive and strong. She can handle anything that her upcoming chemo treatments can throw at her.

I think she’ll be fine; and I’m always right.

self-portrait taken sometime in 2003

This morning I woke up from a dream in which my old cat was looking down on me, J and our baby. Then I remembered my cat died on this day last year. She was really old and scraggly and I loved her very much. While J dug a hole in our backyard, I bent over her dead body and whispered, “Come back to me!” I was six months pregnant and hoping her kitty soul would reincarnate in my baby so we could still be together. I wonder if several souls can reincarnate into one new life. Kind of like in Being John Malkovich. If it’s possible, I imagine my old cat (for her mischief), J’s grandmother (for her beauty and intelligence) and Freddie Mercury (for his amazing talent) reborn in my little monkey.

(on my iTunes)

Dress - PJ Harvey
Seven Years - Norah Jones
Four Women - Nina Simone
The Origin of Love - Hedwig and the Angry Inch
Love And Anger - Kate Bush
Nightingale - Norah Jones
The Man With The Child In His Eyes - Kate Bush
Divine Hammer - The Breeders
Let’s Do It - Eartha Kitt
(Love Moves In) Mysterious Ways - Julia Fordham
My Old Man - Joni Mitchell
No Aloha - The Breeders
Marry Me - Dolly Parton
Drivin’ On 9 - The Breeders
What Can You Lose - Madonna & Mandy Patinkin
She Ain’t Right For You - Macy Gray
Grace - U2
This Womans Work - Kate Bush
Down By The Water - PJ Harvey
Reaching Out - Kate Bush

As parents and advocates of free speech, we let our baby choose this evening’s entertainment. Out of all the DVDs in our library, she picked out South Park Bigger Longer & Uncut.

This movie came out in 1999, an interesting foreshadowing of world events that transpired since.

Winona Ryder: What you’re doing for our country is so cool! I mean, war man! Wow. War…..you know? Wow.

Satan save us all!!!