When googling an old lover’s name, I wasn’t prepared to learn that:
- the once hot young sexy boy is now jaded and balding.
- he never found anyone as hot and sexy as I still am.
- he wishes I was dead.
To protect his identity, I am not linking to the actual page on which I found him. He is now a pastor at a Born Again church in the Netherlands. At the church’s website, he published an essay about an ancient Korean story. He didn’t mention that the story closely paralleled his life.
In the story, a great Korean warrior fell in love with a famous entertainer. Everyday, the warrior came to the young woman’s home, until his mother became aware of his escapades and compelled him to end the relationship in favor of his position as a military leader. The warrior obeyed his mother, choosing “obligation over obsession.”
After a day of military training, the warrior fell asleep on his horse and woke up at the entertainer’s home. Out of habit, his faithful horse had taken him. In great emotional distress, the warrior killed his horse right then and there. The entertainer, heartbroken at what he had done, took his sword and killed herself. The warrior went off to the mountains and continued his training in seclusion. He ended the story justifying the righteousness of the warrior by his commitment and sacrifice, “a life that embodied the true martial artist.”
The story left me feeling sad. The horse is one of the most loyal and noble of all domesticated animals, and to a warrior an indispensable ally. When a warrior rides with his horse, they are both prepared to face danger, possible death, together. When the warrior killed his horse, he killed the part of himself that is most pure and true. This is why his lover could not bear to live on after this. She could not survive the loss of his soul.
It would be easier for him if I had died. I have a feeling he is still celibate, a total waste of a big cock. It makes me wonder what would happen to him if I revealed myself to him as I am now. May Ling Su, the famous entertainer, very much alive. Would it ruin his life to see me exposing my body and my sex on the global stage? Or would it fuel his mission to evangelize against “youthful pleasures?” Does celibacy preclude masturbation? I wonder if his hand, like the warrior’s horse, goes on automatic pilot when he sleeps. And when it does, I wonder if I am in his dreams.
