I had such a monster migraine the other day. It was the second worst menstrual experience of my life. The first was when I was in my teens, doubled over in cramps, begging my bodyguard to buy me some painkillers.

Nowadays I don’t do drugs. My body is absolutely drug free. Not headache medicine. Not even caffeine. I don’t take prescription drugs. I haven’t taken recreational drugs in years. I had a hit of pot this year on 4/20, but only because I was in good company and feeling very happy. I don’t like smoking pot alone. I wind up staring at myself in the mirror and going over everything I hate about myself. When I saw that episode of Larry David’s “Curb Your Enthusiasm” in which he smokes pot with his Dad and a hooker, I could totally relate. Have you seen that show? Very funny.

The only other recreational drugs I’ve ever taken was LSD once with Jay (awesome day running in the backyard at the Mansion with our chocolate lab, Molly) and mushrooms once before we saw The Lion King on Broadway. The mushrooms didn’t work, though. Maybe I ate too much dinner. It’s hard to tell when you’re watching as visual a show as the awesome puppetry in The Lion King. Hmmm… maybe the show wasn’t as good as I thought it was. Just kidding.

I’ve never done any of the hard drugs. No powder drugs, no shooting up. That’s just too gnarly. I refuse to spray saline cold medicine up my nose, and I definitely would not like getting cocaine in there. Sticking a needle in my vein has never been my favorite medical procedure, so shooting up heroin would more than likely be off my list of fun things to do to pass the time. That’s just way too desperate for a good time, if you ask me. I can think of a gazillion things I’d rather be doing.

This couple from Florida visited us once this summer. The woman looked great for 50 years old. The guy was 40 and looked haggard as hell. He couldn’t stop talking and spilled the beans on the drugs he’s got on him. Just this past week, I heard he dropped dead.

Where was I? Oh, yes. I don’t do drugs. Just before I gave birth my doctor gave me a prescription for Codeine, for after-birth pains, she said. I never touched it. In retrospect I probably should have sold it. hahaha. But I didn’t. It sat in the cupboard until it expired.

I’m as hardcore as it gets. I have a pretty high threshold for pain. I have this theory that one can build up an immunity to pain much like one can build up an immunity to poison. I don’t know if there is any merit to my theory, or if I’m just full of it, but the other day when I was dying of menstrual migraine, I endured it all night. I moved furniture around. Jay massaged my neck, my forehead, and my eyes. I felt better by the time I woke up in the morning.