Where am I right now? I’m finding that struggles are part of my journey. That the struggle makes me stronger, and that it changes me. It’s like giving birth. Labor pains are necessary to bring life forth. Without a challenge I am bored. Without pain I won’t know pleasure.
I love pleasure. I try my best to get the most pleasure I can get. Whenever Jay and I argued over the past three years, it was about my decision to become a parent. After all, he was the genius who orchestrated our life into one of leisure. He had the idea for our low maintenance high yield business. He made it possible for me to quit my 9 to 5 job to work at home. He didn’t understand why I would throw away that lifestyle for parenthood, the most difficult and time-consuming job in the world. He blamed my biological clock, considered my decision as flawed and irrational. I am weak and my judgement is clouded.
What would life have been like for me if I wasn’t a mother? I’d be a superstar. I’d write books, post blog entries several times a day, appear on television, make movies one after another, make art, write and record songs, fuck all day, multiple partners… all the things we had done together before we became parents, gathering momentum, pleasure piling upon pleasure. We may never know what could have been. Those songs, movies, books, orgasms may never see the light of day.
What I do have is a perfect child. A beautiful, smart, talented human being I have raised with every ounce of my strength body and soul. I don’t think I am capable of creating anything that would compare to my baby. I am humbled and proud.
Regret is something feared more than failure, more than life lost or fallen temptation.
To want a child and then to choose not to would have brought daily regret and resentment towards Jay. While I’m not big on children, I’m big on no regrets. Yea, you might have had songs, movies, books (orgasms can still be had
), but to have created something that can be taught and molded to one day rise and do incredible things themselves must bring a greater enjoyment and pride. Proof that you have succeeded where so many parents fail. I hope you get that, I believe you will.
On my perv side…you looked really sexy pregnant.
you made the right choice doll. the best creations in the world are children and animals. they have unconditional love and are non-judgmental. fame ,fortune and sex cannot compare to a son or daughter. my son died 6 years ago on january 8. my other son lives with me and my gf whom i will marry soon. to bring a beautiful ,nice intelligent person in the world is a gift. if your child has your brains and beauty ,the child is blessed. tell jay to be a good dad or i will whip his ass with a garrison belt.
I have not known a pleasure greater than fatherhood. Sometimes I too think of what could’ve been if I had not plunged into parenthood. I do feel that somehow I’ve missed out on something or that I could be doing more with my life. At the end of the day no amount of songs, books or orgasms can fulfill me like the love I feel from my kids. At the end of the day I think that Jay would agree that even though life has changed for the two of you it has most certainly changed for the better. Three is the magic number, yes it is, it’s the magic number.
You do do plenty. And you have a baby too! I agree with what Andrew says about the potential for regret, then resentment. Happily you won’t get any of that in this instance. Good for you.
p.s. never doubt your strength and judgement, your doing fine
Thank you, kind sirs, for your words of encouragement. Jay is a wonderful father. If anything, his dilemma comes from the fact that, like me, his devotion as a parent eclipses his productivity as an artist. I guess we both just miss that time when we had no responsibilities, fuck all day kind of life. In the end I know we’ve grown so much from being parents. I have no regrets.
I love reading your e-mails and blogs…Sorry that I am posting in the wrong place. I meant to post in the anal sex section of your site but, I somehow ended up here…Oh yes, pleasure. Can’t say enough about that. God, I had really great anal last night. I didn’t realize how loud I was screaming from such pleasure. Anyway, lots of love to you!
Kisses,
Trixie
Much of the struggle we have with our little life for 3 is that I either don’t do something, or I do it all the way. I either wanted to never have kids, or be the best dad ever.
Being the best dad ever is harrowing. I don’t trust anyone to watch our kid, so we have not had a break since birth. It’s three and a half years in, and not one night out, not one day off, and at times that can take it’s toll on our (temporary) sanity. I miss husband and wife time. I find myself logging on the MayLingSu.com and watching old videos of us, way back when we had so much time to explore our love for this life and one another in a very physical way.
I never seem to do anything the way the rest of society does things. Since May and I work from home, our wee one has us 24/7 going on nearly 4 years now. Being that May was breast feeding past our kid’s 3rd birthday meant that we had to be there with her pretty much all the time. It’s been about 6 months now since weaning, and pretty soon our kid will decide it’s time to break off now and then to spend time with Grammy and Grampa. We have definitely paid our dues, and I don’t know of any parent that has spent 4 years without one break of any kind. We don’t even go off to work, we are always together the three of us. ALWAYS.
In my life I’ve been good at making decisions for myself, but making decisions for another, (and such a precious little one), requires a lot of thought. I find myself spinning in circles, and I tend to be the more conservative parent, always coming up with what is safest, and what I deem best for our child. Ultimately I believe that the final word is the mother’s. But when asked, I put up a good argument for my angle on any given situation, and often I feel that I tend to take it too safe, until I’m holding on too tight.
Where does one draw the line between caring for a child, and clipping their wings? I’ve never experienced anything like this. At times I feel that there are only a series of wrong answers to choose from. This world… how did it get so complicated and scary? May has always been the one to teach me to relax, take things as they unfold, and not be such a stress case. I feel like she ends up parenting me and our wee one simultaneously. I’m hoping we don’t wear her out before we’re done.