This past month has been an emotional roller coaster ride for me. For much of it my feelings were a foggy mess, and I needed to get to a place of resolution before I blogged about it.

Our story has been unfolding in front of your eyes for years. My sexual exploration with Jay is documented on this blog. Over the past four years, our difficulty balancing parenthood and a vital sex life as a married couple was a frequent subject of introspection. We spent a year in Maine to spend time to find ourselves within ourselves. We moved back to California to reclaim our life.

As soon as the dust settled with the move, I got a text message from Trixie asking to come and visit us. It was all very exciting, until two weeks later she informed me she was bringing a boyfriend along, someone I had never met. It became all very stressful for me. Was I expected to play with this stranger if Jay and I wanted to play with Trixie? What followed was weeks of “Why am I reacting this way? What is wrong with me? Don’t I know how to have fun anymore?”

Just before the weekend Trixie was to come over, Sam came to visit. Jay and I had always played with other guys and girls, but it was always as a couple. I had been alone with Sam before, but it was not a completed sex act, more like a prelude to a threesome later on.

I was really young and had very little experience when Jay and I got married 12 years ago. Through it all I was a willing participant in our sexual exploration, but very rarely an active instigator. Our relationship was established on a pattern of me being the submissive and him being the dominant. Jay had been feeling bored and weary of the mundane life we were leading as of late. He yearned (still does) to have someone take the reins and take him for a ride. I wasn’t sure if I could take him for the ride he wanted, though I know that if I wanted to save my marriage I would have to.

I guess I was feeling like I wanted to break out, do something active, break the rules, be a bad girl, see if I still had that mischievous streak I thought I may have lost when I became a mother. I wasn’t sure how Jay would take me playing alone with Sam, but I threw caution to the wind and went for it. Having a secret spontaneous naughty encounter made me feel sexy for days, but I still felt a slight but nagging twinge of guilt. My feelings confused me. I found myself uncomfortable sharing with Jay the details of my moment with Sam. Even as I wrote about it on my blog, I downplayed the fucking part, because somehow I felt wrong about it.

All this time I’ve been exploring sex and life with Jay I thought I had chipped away at all the sexual guilt I had from growing up Catholic. Suddenly I realized I had simply replaced the Catholic rules about sex with my idea of our marriage rules about sex. I had evolved from a “God-fearing” woman into a “husband-fearing” woman, acting only within the stated parameters of Jay’s cues, until this incident when I risked my comfortable place as Jay’s faithful wife. The only reason we had so much fun was because Jay believes that freedom is essential to love, and because his rules were governed by his desire for excitement rather than a need to control his wife.

Jay felt cheated on, lied to, betrayed. Even as he felt jealous, though, he confided how much it turned him on to have such a naughty wife. Really all Jay wanted was for me to commit to my bad-ness. Sure, I had sex with Sam, but why didn’t I take it all the way and turned Jay on with it? I acted like a guilty schoolgirl, betraying my discomfort with my desire, and betraying Jay’s trust in me as well.

By the time Trixie came to visit, our nerves were wrought. Trixie’s boyfriend got sick and canceled at the last minute. I was so relieved to have only Trixie, an old friend, joining us that night. I tried my best to shower Jay with all the sexy love two women could give a man. I wanted him to know how much I appreciated him, and I wanted to make up for the craziness of the past week. I wanted to keep going toward the direction of being a more active instigative lover.

I invited Trixie to help me suck Jay’s cock. She asked me if I wanted to go first, or if she should go first. I said, “Together. Let’s do it together!” We both put our mouths on Jay’s cock, feeling it grow as our lips and tongues tickled him, taking turns covering his cock head, swirling around the circumference, licking the base of his balls.

I wanted Jay to have her, eat her, fuck her. I played supporting role and kept the momentum going. I know he tends to second-guess himself around other women, not sure if they can take what he’s used to dishing out with me. I encouraged him to fuck her, getting her down on all fours and spreading her butt cheeks in front of Jay’s erection. In between, I sucked his cock and told her I loved the sweet tangy taste of her pussy on his cock. She was so wet, I was able to push my fist in her pussy and fuck her, a very arousing first time experience for me.

It had been so long since we’d had a threesome experience with another woman. The last time was with Jenny and you’ve seen what happened after. Trixie gave us a very relaxed atmosphere, and I really appreciate her being there that night. She is a true friend!