I’ll be honest. My trip to Toronto was not all sex and glamour. It was the longest I’ve been away from Jay and our little girl, and everytime I thought of them both I cried. My Macbook crashed as soon as I settled into my room at the Gladstone Hotel. Apple phone support couldn’t help me, so I had to set up an appointment at the Genius Bar at Eaton Center. But first I had a photo shoot with Siren Thorn.

I had about half an hour to spare before Siren was due to arrive at my hotel room, so I took a walk around the neighborhood at Queen Street West, mostly to keep myself from obsessing over my Macbook. I walked into a sweet little boutique called Champagne and Cupcakes, and found the dress I decided to wear for the Feminist Porn Awards. The boutique offers original designs by Caroline Lim, as well as accessories made by other Canadian designers. They also do in-house alteration, which takes at least a couple of days to accomplish. Lucky for me, the dress I picked fits me perfectly. I love the dress and peacock feather hair accessory, don’t you?

My little shopping therapy did wonders to my mood. I went back to my hotel room to meet Siren Thorn. Those of you who follow my twitter may already know that I am working on a new project. This project will combine beautiful asian women and mythological characters from Asia. I’m really excited about recreating images from stories I’ve heard in my childhood. Siren Thorn is the first model I have had the pleasure of photographing for this project. She is incredibly beautiful and so easy to work with. I adore her! You’ll see more of Siren Thorn and other asian women by autumn this year.

After our shoot, I brought my dead Macbook to Apple at Eaton Center. My Genius, Dave B. spent over an hour resurrecting my Mac. He stayed well past the 9 pm closing time to make sure I came home with a functioning OS. I was so overwhelmed by his tenacity and how he did not balk at my files, which are as personally revealing of me as a pap smear.

By the time I arrived at the Bloor Cinema for Public Provocative Porn, it was 10 pm. I had missed Nica Noelle‘s film, “The Deviant.” I walked into a full house agog over the spectacular April Flores. I squeezed into an empty seat in the back. I’ve watched porn on a big screen before, at home using a projector. But I’ve never before watched porn in a public place, a theater packed with people nonetheless. It made me feel self-conscious, like every breath, every reaction of my body was magnified a million times, and that the people sitting on either side of me could feel me too.

Shine Louise Houston‘s “Crash Pad Series Vol. 5” came on next. It’s really surprising because I was expecting dyke porn, and what I saw instead was Mickey Mod, a cis-gender male paired up with cute genderqueer Shawn, also known as Syd Blakovich.

“Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Anal Pleasure for Men” was a welcome relief from the intensity of the previous films. Tristan Taormino discusses anal sex nonchalantly with a hetero-couple, played by Penny Flame and Devin. The audience laughed several times during the screening of her film – a little nervously perhaps, a release from tension. And this is exactly how Tristan Taormino affects people. She approaches a delicate subject with disarming charm that makes you feel comfortable, so comfortable, you feel like you can tell her anything. I encourage anyone who is curious about anal sex to get her videos and learn from the expert.

Lorraine Hewitt led a Q&A discussion, which was just as interesting as the films themselves.

The next day I decided I would take it easy. The day before had been so stressful, traveling and running around town to get my Macbook fixed. My room at the Gladstone Hotel was very cozy and perfect for taking photos in. Each room is uniquely designed by a different artist, and by sheer luck I got the room designed by Millie Chen, “Chinoiserie.” I packed my lilac-colored cheongsam for the occasion, and took photos that are now posted at MAYCAM. I sure do miss my partner-in-crime, Jay. Taking photos using a self-timer is not as fun as having someone to interact with behind the camera.

I went to check out Good For Her, the sex toy shop hosting and sponsoring the Feminist Porn Awards. I bought a few items to give as presents to girl friends from high school who were meeting me for dinner before the awards. I hadn’t seen them in over 20 years (yes, I’m ancient!) and somehow seeing each other again reduced us to giggling schoolgirls. I had so much fun! In between the nerves of traveling alone and being somewhat of an outsider in such a big event, I found an oasis of joy among my friends.

The Feminist Porn Awards was held at Berkeley Church. The place was packed with beautiful people of all shapes, sizes, genders, races… all there to celebrate feminist porn. I met Courtney Trouble, brilliant director of Speakeasy, which won the award for Most Tantalizing Trans Film that night. “We all belong here!” she announced emotionally as she accepted her award. I stepped back and looked around me at everyone belonging, celebrating with the people they love, their chosen family. I stepped out of my body for a moment and searched for my tribe, the people I belong to. They weren’t in this room. I walked around the church observing the event as it took place. Acceptance speeches, sexy campy numbers, clips from the winning films.

I stepped outside for a moment and called Jay. It was bedtime for the little one and I wanted to say good night. I tried to keep my voice steady and my tears from forming. I decided it was time to go home.

A cute boi came up to me and asked, “Do those shoes hurt your feet? Be honest.”

“Yes,” I answered.

“That is so hot!” He was going to say more, then changed his mind and said good night.

I had just enough time to pack up my stuff and go. My flight was at 6:45 in the morning, which meant I had to be at the airport long before dawn. While standing in line for Customs, I congratulated Shine Louise Houston for winning The Visionary Award that night. We both realized we were on the same flight back to San Francisco. We talked while waiting to board. I got a sneak peak at what she’s working on. I let her in on new projects I’m working on. We got to our seats and found out we were seated on the same row, with a guy between us. I thought, this will be interesting.

The guy offered to switch seats with me so Shine and I could continue talking. She was talking about being glad the award trophy wasn’t made of glass.

“Do you have it on you,” I asked impishly. Yes, she answered. “Can I touch it?” I pushed. Sure, she replied, and got it out. Verrrrry nice! I just had to take a picture of her holding it.

I had to lean way back to get Shine and the trophy in the frame of my iPhone cam. I leaned way into the guy’s personal space that it made Shine laugh so hard, and that’s why she has the biggest grin on her face in this picture. I think I made a friend.