Do we control our deepest inner urges? Why does one thing turn us on, and another not turn us on, or even turn us off… What makes us who we are? I have read about studies on humans, that if you tell a complete stranger to observe another human for a day, when interviewed, often the stranger knows more about the motivation of the observed person more than the person does. Humans don’t really know why they do what they do. For the most part we are a sum of childhood experiences, adolescent experiences and adult experiences. Our brains are very different at each stage. It’s almost like they are completely different people. Fact is every cell in our body replaces itself once every seven years. Seven years ago, you were not the same person you are now. Happy birthday.

My entire life I have yearned. I’m a yearner. I feel like I’m supposed to be living a very rich decadent life style full of pleasure, sex, comraderie, excitement, travel, creativity, so I aspire to meet up with that feeling. I need to find my little place under the sun to be happy. So here I am on my journey. Taking it one step at a time, but always wanting more, because there is more to be had. I’ll know it when I get there, but for now it’s the journey I’m excited about. Having fun along the way is part of the plan for me, and a relaxed sexy life is what I want, not a frenzied battle to the top, so I’m in no hurry “to get there”.

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My hot wife gets it on with another guy.

Hey, it’s Jay. It’s been a difficult month getting back into the “swing” of things. After a year in Maine visiting family, getting back to our California lifestyle has it’s ups and downs. Over the past year, May continued to stay in touch with Tom and Sam, two guys that used to join us for MFM sex. It is our biggest turn on, both May and I to team up with another guy, and give it to May from all ends at once. We used to have the luxury of playing when and where we wanted, but now that we are parents, finding any “us” time is difficult. Lounging around naked during mid day, making love, shooting porn… well… those days are over for now. Usually 10PM is when we finally have time for each other, and we are both usually a bit tired, and ready to crash by then, so finding time when we are full of energy is even more difficult.

Tom and Sam were excited to hear that we have returned to the bay area, and Sam phoned one afternoon and asked to visit. May said, come on over, and he did. We all hung out upstairs just talking, playing with our wee one, and catching up. May took Sam off to show him the house, while I watched our kid.

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This past month has been an emotional roller coaster ride for me. For much of it my feelings were a foggy mess, and I needed to get to a place of resolution before I blogged about it.

Our story has been unfolding in front of your eyes for years. My sexual exploration with Jay is documented on this blog. Over the past four years, our difficulty balancing parenthood and a vital sex life as a married couple was a frequent subject of introspection. We spent a year in Maine to spend time to find ourselves within ourselves. We moved back to California to reclaim our life.

As soon as the dust settled with the move, I got a text message from Trixie asking to come and visit us. It was all very exciting, until two weeks later she informed me she was bringing a boyfriend along, someone I had never met. It became all very stressful for me. Was I expected to play with this stranger if Jay and I wanted to play with Trixie? What followed was weeks of “Why am I reacting this way? What is wrong with me? Don’t I know how to have fun anymore?”

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Tomorrow is my birthday!

I’m really excited to spend some loving time with Jay tonight. I want him to be the first to wish me a happy birthday, in the extra special sexy way only he could.

I’m also thinking about this year’s Birthday Nude. This is the 9th year I will take a nude photo of myself on my birthday. I have a few ideas stewing in my head, but none of it is strong enough to grab me by the throat. I think I’ll play the day the way I usually do and see what I come up with.

I feel really lucky to have truly amazing people in my life. I’m grateful you have let me into your life in one way or another. I feel strong and sexy and creative and powerful. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Having a dog companion has opened me up to life in the outdoors. There’s socializing on the beach with other dogs and people. And then there’s the night walk.

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I have a new “boyfriend.”

A while back I twittered about “Tai Chi Guy” and twittered about “Tai Chi Guy”. So amused was I.

Well, the afternoon after I was with Sam, I went out to the beach with my kid and there was “Tai Chi Guy” again. As before he had his two sons with him. My kid immediately befriended the boys and ran off playing on the beach. I smiled at “Tai Chi Guy” and he came over and sat next to me.

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It was the first time Sam came to see me in my new home. All of our guests marvel at the unique design of our home, the ocean views from various spots on the property, and I assumed he would be interested in being shown around as well. I started to show him Jay’s workshop, all handmade by its previous owner, a tinkerer who built many work spaces all over the home.

Sam was interested in something else. His hands played on the part of my back that was bare. That touch was enough to cause a flood of desire in me. I’ve wanted him for so long. This past year we had exchanged a string of email, keeping each other aroused divulging secret fantasies. The last time I had another man in our bed was with him. Sam was a considerate lover who worked very well in tandem with Jay. The two of them left me satisfied and a little bit emotional before leaving California.

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I watched a girl give her boyfriend a blowjob one day. Right on the beach. In a tight little secluded nook, but not that secluded, because I saw. They were both young, could not have been out of high school. Ah, puppy love!

People with dogs are pack animals at heart. When their dogs frolic with mine, they get friendly with me too. If it was up to them we would all roll around in the sand and chase each other all day.

Except Ernest Hemingway. He’s not really Ernest Hemingway, obviously. Just a resemblance, and that same reclusive air. He keeps his distance as our dogs flirt. I wave my acknowledgement of his being there. He waves back, and nothing more. My just as reclusive soul appreciates his friendly distance.