All packed up and ready to go. It seems like we’ve been packing forever. We started putting our stuff into storage in November, took a break for the holidays so we can spend time with family, then it’s back to finishing up putting things away.

We’ve done all this before when we packed up our stuff to move to Maine for a year. I admit I like shaking up my life this way. It helps me re-examine what’s important and what I can live without.

I must be a vagabond at heart. A nomad. A gypsy. I love to move. I love exploring new places, meeting new people, learning their ways. It’s as if I have lived a million lives. I’ve been a child in Manila, a struggling actress in New York City, a dot-com millionaire in Silicon Valley, a Las Vegas porn star for a night, a haunted mermaid in Maine and a beach mom in Half Moon Bay.

What new and exciting lives will I lead in the coming years?

See the rest of this set of photos at MAYCAM.

The article about me published in last month’s Esquire Philippines is now online. Go read my interview with Gang Badoy and check out the art by Gamo Tuano. It’s so lovely!

Big Wave, by Mayumi Haryoto, a tribute to Katsuhika Hokusai’s The Great Wave

The sun set shortly after five. It was the last day of November. Over the past year Jay and I had been taking hikes up at Mavericks while our kid did gymnastics. Lately it’s been getting dark too soon.

I don’t know what came over us that night. It could have been the balmy evening, the resplendent sunset as we drove down Devil’s Slide on the way, or the desire to say goodbye to a place we had come to call our own.

We crossed the wooden bridge that brought us across the wetlands to the foot of the hill, then decided on the white gravel path that slowly inclined up to the top of the hill, instead of the usual steep narrow dirt path we took in daylight. The gravel reflected the bright waxing moon, lighting our way. Every so often we stopped to look up at the stars and trace constellations. We saw a big star that didn’t twinkle next to the moon. Is that Venus?

We reached the top of the hill and settled on a park bench overlooking the Pacific Ocean. The ocean sparkled. Two buoys danced their lights in the distance. There was no one else but us on land or on sea.

The cool wind brought me into Jay’s arms. He was wearing a thick hooded coat with a fuzzy lining. I snuggled in and kissed him. His mouth warmed me. My hands wandered down to his button fly, searching for something hot and hard. He stood up to helped me find it, unbuckled and unbuttoned, so I could put it in my mouth.

His cock was like hot cocoa on a winter night. I took it in all the way into my throat and rubbed it on the soft tissues of my mouth. Jay covered my head with his warm fuzzy hoodie as I sucked on him. My mouth got wetter as I pushed his engorged cock deeper and deeper into my throat. I was so hungry. I wanted to swallow him whole.

I stopped for a second to look up at him. He smile lit up like a moon. I wanted some of that.

I unbuckled and unbuttoned and unzipped and pulled my jeans off my butt. I rested my knees on the bench and bent holding on to the backrest. Jay pulled my hips to him and directed his cock into my ass. Hot and hard, his fucking warmed me up from the inside. I lay my face closer to the back of the bench, clutching hard as he pounded my ass, both of us making heat while mooning the frigid waves behind us.

“You have a choice,” Jay whispered behind my ear. “I could cum in your mouth or I could cum in your ass.”

My mind reeled. I was lost in ecstasy and Jay reminded me of his urgency. A mouthful of cum straight out of my anus? Easier to clean up but… letting him cum up my ass and keep fucking me while he cums… I was cumming myself. I could feel the wave coming and it was getting stronger and stronger as it approached.

“Cum in my ass,” I whimpered. “Keep fucking me, don’t stop!”

He joined my orgasm, my big wave elevated by his. I half expected a great wave to come up behind us and take us away. We held each other as the wave passed shaking us out of our skin and bones, held each other till we were spent on the hill.

Neither of us had any tissue paper or napkins. I squatted by a shrub and holding my jeans and panties out of range, let out a piss. Jay pissed over another spot and we both laughed at totally unprepared and spontaneous the moment had been. The cool wind quickly dried me so I could compose myself before heading back downhill.

As we hiked back down I pointed out something huge and yellow on the horizon. Is that Venus? It couldn’t be a boat, unless it was on fire. It was Venus, its light amplified by Earth’s atmosphere as it set on the horizon of the Pacific Ocean, sending us off on our next life.

May Ling Su at Mavericks, see the whole set at MAYCAM

If you find yourself getting turned on watching this video, I implore you to contact your favorite porn retailers and let them know you want to see more fisting on video. Spread the word on your social networks (twitter hashtag: #fisting). I can’t even believe fisting is being censored from commercial porn, can you? Let’s all together end this nonsense. Let’s see more fisting on film!

Watch this video full screen at MAYCAM. You can download this movie to your iTunes by clicking “iTunes” above.

International Fisting Day links:
Fisting Day Tumblr
Attend Fisting Day on Facebook (and invite your friends!)
How to Fist
Courtney Trouble’s Fisting Day Post
Jiz Lee’s Fisting Day Post

My birthday is coming up on the 7th. I tend to be introspective around the time of my birthday, but this year I feel it even more. I feel like a full grown baby being forced out of the womb because it’s time, but I’m petrified and don’t want to come out yet because I’m not sure where I’m going or what I want to do once I’m out there. And there’s so much out there.

I can’t stay here anymore. I’ve stayed longer than I should have. It’s comfortable and cushy here. Life is good. Why should anything change?

But the world is changing around me. My oceanside home is crumbling underneath me. We’ve given ourselves until the end of this year to move all our belongings, our art, our books, our dreams out of here. I hope this house can sustain us until then. I hope we know what we’re doing and where next by then.

“When I was born,” said comedian Gracie Allen, “I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.” I suspect you will soon be experiencing a metaphorical rebirth that has some of the power of the event she was referring to. And so I won’t be shocked if you find it challenging to formulate an articulate response, at least in the short term. In fact, it may take you a while to even register, let alone express, the full impact of the upgrade you will be blessed with.
- Rob Brezsny’s horoscope for Libra, week of Sept 29

I’m keeping this little oracle under my pillow for the time being. I’m reminding myself that sometimes, maybe even often, it’s okay not to know. That life will unfold despite my not knowing, and that I can trust the steadiness of my steps and the strength of my instincts.

Okay, I did not know Jay snuck up behind me while I was in the shower and caught me on video singing “Blue Bayou” with a little hip sway here and there. *cringe* I’m a little embarrassed and feel like my privacy was violated, but since he started out the video professing his love for me… all right. My man loves me, that’s all that matters. You can all have a little fun at my expense.

What JPG’s are still in its memory, I wonder? We used to download to our computer, then delete to free up memory space for the next batch of photos. Will its memory stand the test of time or is it corrupting as I write?

I just posted 443 of these little photos on MAYCAM in a gallery I call “Vintage.” They’re very special to me, photos from the first two years of my marriage. I started out a pimply young bride, insecure but eager to please. And within the 443 photos I watch myself bloom into a confident woman. Such is the power of love.

When we first took these photos they were meant only for Jay and me. Once in a while he UUencoded a handful and posted them on the newsgroups, just to show off his hot young wife. I don’t even think the name “May Ling Su” was attached to my images at that time. I was just an anonymous woman during the dawn of internet porn. In many ways these photos were so innocent, born of pure lust and mischief, unsullied by capitalism.

I like looking back at these pictures. I want to find that girl again. I know she’s in here somewhere.

On Mother’s Day they came
Back to their childhood home
Carrying their mother’s ashes
Hearing the voice of her wishes,
“I want my ashes to feed the roses.”

I woke up on Mother’s Day with a funeral outside the tall windows of the Master’s bedroom. The old man who built this home had passed decades ago, but his wife, the woman who looked out those tall windows in loneliness all those decades to the rosebush that blooms red in the California winter, just recently died.

And her children, who themselves have grown old and lonely, formed a procession outside what are now our windows and fed her ashes to the rosebush to fill their dead mother’s last request. This is what I did on Mothers’ Day. I walked outside and stood in my grey wool dress and red shoes, and silently hugged these lonely people before they walked back to their cars and drove away. I had nothing to say. There was nothing that needed to be said.

Later my daughter picked a ripe rose from the bush and gave it to me. The rose looked plump, juicy, full of life. Too soon the petals will dry and crumble to dust, just like the woman whose ashes joined the dirt under the bush. I hugged my daughter tight, smelled the freshness of the sun in her hair. On this Mothers’ Day I am alive, juicy, maybe even a tiny bit plump. I feed on the ashes of those who have died, smack my lips and say, “I’m alive!” Someday it will be my ashes that will feed another rose, and it will be the sexiest, most fertile ashes any rose has ever fed on. She will smack her lips and look up to the sky quivering in ecstasy.

“I’m alive!”

(Update: Read the edited version below.)