All packed up and ready to go. It seems like we’ve been packing forever. We started putting our stuff into storage in November, took a break for the holidays so we can spend time with family, then it’s back to finishing up putting things away.

We’ve done all this before when we packed up our stuff to move to Maine for a year. I admit I like shaking up my life this way. It helps me re-examine what’s important and what I can live without.

I must be a vagabond at heart. A nomad. A gypsy. I love to move. I love exploring new places, meeting new people, learning their ways. It’s as if I have lived a million lives. I’ve been a child in Manila, a struggling actress in New York City, a dot-com millionaire in Silicon Valley, a Las Vegas porn star for a night, a haunted mermaid in Maine and a beach mom in Half Moon Bay.

What new and exciting lives will I lead in the coming years?

See the rest of this set of photos at MAYCAM.

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Can I tell you a secret? I feel really awkward everytime I let so much time pass between blog entries. It’s like, if I don’t touch base with a lover after we’ve been together, and let too much time pass, then we bump into each other again and don’t know what to say.

Um, hi. My name is May Ling Su. Remember me? We’ve met before.

So I’ll jump right in and let you in on something really private. Two dreams I had over the past week. The only ones I remember after waking. Actually, the only ones I shook myself awake from. Here it goes:

*********

Dream #1: I am back in high school. I went to a Catholic all-girls school all through elementary and high school. We are moving benches around tables. A classmate hands me a piece of paper with poetry scribbled all over it. I read it and wake up. I felt the mad need to write. Like Tenacious D’s “Greatest Song in the World,” this poem is not what was written in my dream. It’s just a “tribute” to the poem written in my dream.

The Oldest Lovers in the World

I sat on a warm rock
Trapped between folds of
The sweetest hot honey a female
Ever held between her legs
A large wave of icy ocean
Water crashed on top of us
Shaking us, but
Not off our rock
We remain, fucking.

A pterodactyl, or maybe
A pelican swooped by
Swiftly swiping
An undulating fish
Inches from my skin
Precisely with dragon eyes
I do not lose my beat.
We remain, fucking.

A crab crawls on my leg
Curious, hitching a ride
Or looking for lunch
It tickles my hairs
Pinches and needles
I twitch and I tremble
We remain, fucking.

Sand sticking, seashells cupping, mist rising, fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking

*********

Dream #2: I am in a room. This guy, Benjo, who lived in my neighborhood where I grew up, is in the room with me. I pull him to the bed and straddle him. We fuck.

(Disclaimer: In real life, I never had sex with Benjo. I don’t know why I dreamed of him. We hung out when we were teens. He was Edwin‘s buddy. I remember Benjo making fun of erotic poetry I had given Edwin – why Edwin let him read it in the first place is so sophomoric. Anyway… back to the dream.)

While I am on top of him, he mumbles something about sisters.

“Did you have sex with my sister,” I ask.

“Yesterday,” he answers.

I thrust him deeper into me. I want to fuck him better.

Then, my sister comes into the house. Benjo and I stop fucking, trying to hide from her.

Suddenly Benjo isn’t Benjo anymore, it is Jay. My sister enters the room. The door has a window with little shutters letting light into the shady room, casting striped shadows. Strange creepy two-dimensional people are sliding into the house. Characters from a movie. Jay, my sister and I hide in bed.

I woke up with my heart pounding.

I had about half an hour to spare before Siren was due to arrive at my hotel room, so I took a walk around the neighborhood at Queen Street West, mostly to keep myself from obsessing over my Macbook. I walked into a sweet little boutique called Champagne and Cupcakes, and found the dress I decided to wear for the Feminist Porn Awards. The boutique offers original designs by Caroline Lim, as well as accessories made by other Canadian designers. They also do in-house alteration, which takes at least a couple of days to accomplish. Lucky for me, the dress I picked fits me perfectly. I love the dress and peacock feather hair accessory, don’t you?

My little shopping therapy did wonders to my mood. I went back to my hotel room to meet Siren Thorn. Those of you who follow my twitter may already know that I am working on a new project. This project will combine beautiful asian women and mythological characters from Asia. I’m really excited about recreating images from stories I’ve heard in my childhood. Siren Thorn is the first model I have had the pleasure of photographing for this project. She is incredibly beautiful and so easy to work with. I adore her! You’ll see more of Siren Thorn and other asian women by autumn this year.

After our shoot, I brought my dead Macbook to Apple at Eaton Center. My Genius, Dave B. spent over an hour resurrecting my Mac. He stayed well past the 9 pm closing time to make sure I came home with a functioning OS. I was so overwhelmed by his tenacity and how he did not balk at my files, which are as personally revealing of me as a pap smear.

By the time I arrived at the Bloor Cinema for Public Provocative Porn, it was 10 pm. I had missed Nica Noelle‘s film, “The Deviant.” I walked into a full house agog over the spectacular April Flores. I squeezed into an empty seat in the back. I’ve watched porn on a big screen before, at home using a projector. But I’ve never before watched porn in a public place, a theater packed with people nonetheless. It made me feel self-conscious, like every breath, every reaction of my body was magnified a million times, and that the people sitting on either side of me could feel me too.

Shine Louise Houston‘s “Crash Pad Series Vol. 5” came on next. It’s really surprising because I was expecting dyke porn, and what I saw instead was Mickey Mod, a cis-gender male paired up with cute genderqueer Shawn, also known as Syd Blakovich.

“Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Anal Pleasure for Men” was a welcome relief from the intensity of the previous films. Tristan Taormino discusses anal sex nonchalantly with a hetero-couple, played by Penny Flame and Devin. The audience laughed several times during the screening of her film – a little nervously perhaps, a release from tension. And this is exactly how Tristan Taormino affects people. She approaches a delicate subject with disarming charm that makes you feel comfortable, so comfortable, you feel like you can tell her anything. I encourage anyone who is curious about anal sex to get her videos and learn from the expert.

Lorraine Hewitt led a Q&A discussion, which was just as interesting as the films themselves.

The next day I decided I would take it easy. The day before had been so stressful, traveling and running around town to get my Macbook fixed. My room at the Gladstone Hotel was very cozy and perfect for taking photos in. Each room is uniquely designed by a different artist, and by sheer luck I got the room designed by Millie Chen, “Chinoiserie.” I packed my lilac-colored cheongsam for the occasion, and took photos that are now posted at MAYCAM. I sure do miss my partner-in-crime, Jay. Taking photos using a self-timer is not as fun as having someone to interact with behind the camera.

I went to check out Good For Her, the sex toy shop hosting and sponsoring the Feminist Porn Awards. I bought a few items to give as presents to girl friends from high school who were meeting me for dinner before the awards. I hadn’t seen them in over 20 years (yes, I’m ancient!) and somehow seeing each other again reduced us to giggling schoolgirls. I had so much fun! In between the nerves of traveling alone and being somewhat of an outsider in such a big event, I found an oasis of joy among my friends.

The Feminist Porn Awards was held at Berkeley Church. The place was packed with beautiful people of all shapes, sizes, genders, races… all there to celebrate feminist porn. I met Courtney Trouble, brilliant director of Speakeasy, which won the award for Most Tantalizing Trans Film that night. “We all belong here!” she announced emotionally as she accepted her award. I stepped back and looked around me at everyone belonging, celebrating with the people they love, their chosen family. I stepped out of my body for a moment and searched for my tribe, the people I belong to. They weren’t in this room. I walked around the church observing the event as it took place. Acceptance speeches, sexy campy numbers, clips from the winning films.

I stepped outside for a moment and called Jay. It was bedtime for the little one and I wanted to say good night. I tried to keep my voice steady and my tears from forming. I decided it was time to go home.

A cute boi came up to me and asked, “Do those shoes hurt your feet? Be honest.”

“Yes,” I answered.

“That is so hot!” He was going to say more, then changed his mind and said good night.

I had just enough time to pack up my stuff and go. My flight was at 6:45 in the morning, which meant I had to be at the airport long before dawn. While standing in line for Customs, I congratulated Shine Louise Houston for winning The Visionary Award that night. We both realized we were on the same flight back to San Francisco. We talked while waiting to board. I got a sneak peak at what she’s working on. I let her in on new projects I’m working on. We got to our seats and found out we were seated on the same row, with a guy between us. I thought, this will be interesting.

The guy offered to switch seats with me so Shine and I could continue talking. She was talking about being glad the award trophy wasn’t made of glass.

“Do you have it on you,” I asked impishly. Yes, she answered. “Can I touch it?” I pushed. Sure, she replied, and got it out. Verrrrry nice! I just had to take a picture of her holding it.

I had to lean way back to get Shine and the trophy in the frame of my iPhone cam. I leaned way into the guy’s personal space that it made Shine laugh so hard, and that’s why she has the biggest grin on her face in this picture. I think I made a friend.

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I had a very busy weekend. Saturday I drove to Sacramento for a reunion with high school friends. I went to school in the Philippines but there are a few of us who are in the SF Bay Area/Sacramento. Sunday I took the Sacramento to Reno Amtrak to go see another good friend, Broadway star and Disney Princess, Lea Salonga in concert. I’m really exhausted, and still dizzy from all that travel, but I had an amazing time!

I did update MAYCAM before the weekend, but I didn’t get a chance to blog about it. I added two videos, Golden Gate Hike and Cyber Cock, my first two videos shot with the MAYCAM Flip MinoHD. They are bigger than my previous videos (800 pixels wide!) and of course, it was shot in HD. It was a bitch to edit, because I have an old Mac PowerPC. Bummer! I now need to buy a new Mac with iLife 09 just to make editing faster and easier. Who’s my sugar daddy?

Back then I had an irregular cycle. It was common for me to have cycles as long as 60 days, and since I was not yet sexually active, it wasn’t a big deal if my period ran late.

Another part of this exercise was recording how our vaginas felt. We marked the calendar Fertile if we were wet, Infertile if we had a tacky discharge, and Dry if we were, well, dry.

This exercise may very well be the beginning of my sexual exploration, though at that time I remember thinking of it as tedious and never took it seriously enough to document everyday. In fact, I remember making it all up on the day we turned those monthly calendar sheets in.

As soon as I started being sexually active, I got on the pill, and didn’t have to think much of counting the days in my cycles. Almost immediately after quitting the pill, I got pregnant, became a mom and didn’t have my period for eight months after birth.

Since I got my period again, it is like clockwork. I have not gone back to taking birth control pills. I have begun counting out my monthly cycles to determine when I’m fertile, when I’m expecting my period, and when I have sex.

The nuns actually taught me something about sex!

There is an iPhone app that Fertility Friend released to help make this easier. I use it faithfully. It’s called the Menstrual Calendar. You first set it up with your cycle length and the first day of your most recent period. The app marks each calendar day and predicts fertile days and when the next period begins. Make sure you set Auto Stats to OFF so you can make adjustments if you are early or late a day or so.

The app also lets me enter information about my period – None, Spotting, Light, Normal or Heavy; and about whether or not I had intercourse – Protected or Unprotected.

The only function missing is a text field to enter who the sex was with, for women who have multiple partners, in case knock-on-wood she gets pregnant and is wondering who the father may be. This makes keeping a diary of all the dirty details indispensable.

Our story has been unfolding in front of your eyes for years. My sexual exploration with Jay is documented on this blog. Over the past four years, our difficulty balancing parenthood and a vital sex life as a married couple was a frequent subject of introspection. We spent a year in Maine to spend time to find ourselves within ourselves. We moved back to California to reclaim our life.

As soon as the dust settled with the move, I got a text message from Trixie asking to come and visit us. It was all very exciting, until two weeks later she informed me she was bringing a boyfriend along, someone I had never met. It became all very stressful for me. Was I expected to play with this stranger if Jay and I wanted to play with Trixie? What followed was weeks of “Why am I reacting this way? What is wrong with me? Don’t I know how to have fun anymore?”

Just before the weekend Trixie was to come over, Sam came to visit. Jay and I had always played with other guys and girls, but it was always as a couple. I had been alone with Sam before, but it was not a completed sex act, more like a prelude to a threesome later on.

I was really young and had very little experience when Jay and I got married 12 years ago. Through it all I was a willing participant in our sexual exploration, but very rarely an active instigator. Our relationship was established on a pattern of me being the submissive and him being the dominant. Jay had been feeling bored and weary of the mundane life we were leading as of late. He yearned (still does) to have someone take the reins and take him for a ride. I wasn’t sure if I could take him for the ride he wanted, though I know that if I wanted to save my marriage I would have to.

I guess I was feeling like I wanted to break out, do something active, break the rules, be a bad girl, see if I still had that mischievous streak I thought I may have lost when I became a mother. I wasn’t sure how Jay would take me playing alone with Sam, but I threw caution to the wind and went for it. Having a secret spontaneous naughty encounter made me feel sexy for days, but I still felt a slight but nagging twinge of guilt. My feelings confused me. I found myself uncomfortable sharing with Jay the details of my moment with Sam. Even as I wrote about it on my blog, I downplayed the fucking part, because somehow I felt wrong about it.

All this time I’ve been exploring sex and life with Jay I thought I had chipped away at all the sexual guilt I had from growing up Catholic. Suddenly I realized I had simply replaced the Catholic rules about sex with my idea of our marriage rules about sex. I had evolved from a “God-fearing” woman into a “husband-fearing” woman, acting only within the stated parameters of Jay’s cues, until this incident when I risked my comfortable place as Jay’s faithful wife. The only reason we had so much fun was because Jay believes that freedom is essential to love, and because his rules were governed by his desire for excitement rather than a need to control his wife.

Jay felt cheated on, lied to, betrayed. Even as he felt jealous, though, he confided how much it turned him on to have such a naughty wife. Really all Jay wanted was for me to commit to my bad-ness. Sure, I had sex with Sam, but why didn’t I take it all the way and turned Jay on with it? I acted like a guilty schoolgirl, betraying my discomfort with my desire, and betraying Jay’s trust in me as well.

By the time Trixie came to visit, our nerves were wrought. Trixie’s boyfriend got sick and canceled at the last minute. I was so relieved to have only Trixie, an old friend, joining us that night. I tried my best to shower Jay with all the sexy love two women could give a man. I wanted him to know how much I appreciated him, and I wanted to make up for the craziness of the past week. I wanted to keep going toward the direction of being a more active instigative lover.

I invited Trixie to help me suck Jay’s cock. She asked me if I wanted to go first, or if she should go first. I said, “Together. Let’s do it together!” We both put our mouths on Jay’s cock, feeling it grow as our lips and tongues tickled him, taking turns covering his cock head, swirling around the circumference, licking the base of his balls.

I wanted Jay to have her, eat her, fuck her. I played supporting role and kept the momentum going. I know he tends to second-guess himself around other women, not sure if they can take what he’s used to dishing out with me. I encouraged him to fuck her, getting her down on all fours and spreading her butt cheeks in front of Jay’s erection. In between, I sucked his cock and told her I loved the sweet tangy taste of her pussy on his cock. She was so wet, I was able to push my fist in her pussy and fuck her, a very arousing first time experience for me.

It had been so long since we’d had a threesome experience with another woman. The last time was with Jenny and you’ve seen what happened after. Trixie gave us a very relaxed atmosphere, and I really appreciate her being there that night. She is a true friend!