I had an amazing time with journalist Ana P. Santos on her podcast titled Middle Me: Stories about Sex and Pleasure After 40. We talked about this rollercoaster ride I’m on from the moment I discovered my sexuality through decades of exploration in sex and relationships as a polyamorous pornographer.
Of course we talk about sex. We talk about porn. We talk about relationships. But also, we talk about family. And we talk about aging and body image. Have a listen.
Our interview is spread out over two episodes:
I also love that one of my longtime MAYCAM members, who happens to be a physician, reacted to this quote from the podcast:
“Physiologically, the reason you’re still ‘wet’ and not having issues with dryness nor menopausal symptoms is actually due to the ‘use it or lose it’ scenario. Believe it or not, i) the more skin-to-skin intercourse you have while going through menopause causes hypertrophy and healing to prevent vaginal wall atrophy (meaning if you were less sexually active, your vagina would start to atrophy); ii) high semen exposure inside the vagina stimulates high concentrations of estrogen, progesterone, and other important hormones to women. The vaginal wall and uterus absorbs estrogen 10x more effectively than if estrogen is given orally or even intravenously. Your ongoing sexual activity with vaginal creampies was doing the equivalent of prometrium (hormone replacement therapy directly to the vagina).”
So let’s get it, my Golden Girls! We owe it to ourselves and our lovers to let our sexual experience and emotional maturity bloom well into our senior years. We are not too old to have sex. It is natural and healthy to have mind blowing sex after menopause.
Cheers! š·
P.S. I made you a playlist for tonight. Gaze at the total lunar eclipse super flower moon while listening to these moon tunes on Spotify. šø
After “Is there life on Mars?” Gen-X women are asking google about sex. I answered some of them, but before you proceed, I want to remind you that I am not a doctor, sex therapist, or sex educator. My answers are based on my own personal experience of fucking a lot and fucking up a lot. Read on at your own risk.
How much sex should a 40-year-old woman have?
Throw “should’s” out of the window. Have as much or as little sex as you want. This includes self-pleasure.
How does your sex drive change at 40?
Every body is different. For me I became hyper-sexual, like I felt like I had to use it or lose it, like I was going to run out of sex appeal and I had to get as much sex as I could while I still could for fear of missing out. My husband and I were also going through a crisis in which we had to unpack all the emotional and sexual baggage that accumulated from 25 years of non-monogamous marriage while making more mistakes as we went along. (To cut a long story short, it was crazy and painful.) I am now approaching my 50s with temperance, and yes, still sexually active, but hopefully more sane about it.
Any cures for vaginal dryness? What is a good lubricant?
Most people would recommend lube, but I have a different take on this. I think it’s fine once in a while, but not habitually, not regularly, certainly not daily. Hear me out. Our bodies, if we are healthy and hydrated, should create as much moisture as we need. Using lube habitually may throw off our balance and trick our bodies into slowing down natural lubrication because our bodies think we are already wet enough. This also applies to moisturizers, lotions, and nutritional supplements. My suggestion to keep your vag (and the rest of your body) moist is to hydrate, hydrate, hydrate. Drink lots of water. Use old fashioned spit, your partner’s and yours, during foreplay. Between spit and your own pussy juice, you should be good to go. If your body is not quite there yet and you’re desperate for a good time, go for your kitchen (food-grade) coconut oil. Transfer a little bit of it to a different container, obviously, and take that to the bedroom with you. Food-grade because it’s better quality than the body product version of coconut oil. (The FDA does not regulate cosmetics and body products, including lube. That’s why I regard it with skepticism.) Good luck.
Can you still orgasm after menopause?
Yes, yes, yes!
Am I too old to try ___?
Today you’re younger than you’re ever going to be.
– Regina Spektor
Why canāt I get in the mood?
What’s really on your mind? Stress from work-related or relationship issues can be a dampener on fun and pleasure. Deal with those issues that are weighing heavily on your mind by talking it out or writing down an action plan. Often this is enough to allow yourself to relax and enjoy intimate moments.
Why do I get a bladder infection every time I have sex?
Bumping privates š¤£ can bring microscopic particles, microorganisms, and semen into our urethras which could cause infection. You need to pee after sex. Non-negotiable. No matter how sleepy you are, hoist yourself out of bed and go to the toilet.
How to increase your libido.
What makes you think that you need to increase your libido? Every body is different. Don’t judge your sexual needs against other people’s. Focus on connecting with your partner, not on how high or low your libido is.
My partner wants to have more sex than I do.
Have you considered opening up your relationship? Letting your partner hook up with someone else is just another way you can express love. Explore the concept of non-monogamy, figure out where your boundaries are, and communicate clearly with each other.
How to have sex when youāre tired.
Don’t. You need to rest when you’re tired. Do it when you have energy.
Everything in this photo is over 40. See the rest of this set at maycam.com
Happy New Year! The Water Tiger symbolizes courage, strength, and renewal. But when it comes to love and sex, it is important to exercise tact, reserve, and care when expressing your affection. Respect your lover and respect yourself. Be mindful of what is essential. Don’t be distracted by momentary disagreements. Life is short. Memento mori. Choose love.
If you donāt already know which of the 12 zodiac animals you belong to, check the wheel below for the animal that corresponds to your birth year. If you were born on the month of January, it might get a little tricky for you. Since the Chinese go by the Lunar Calendar, some or all of January goes under the previous yearās sign. Here is a Chinese Animal Zodiac Sign Calculator to find out exactly what your sign is.
Do you know which animal zodiac sign you are? Then let me give you my Love & Sex Predictions for the coming Year of the Water Tiger.
Dear Rats, you will need all the luck you can scrounge up on this Year of the Water Tiger. Single Rats, play the field and hold off on making any commitments. Partnered Rats will need to work hard on relationships. Be more attentive to your lover’s needs. Watch for verbal and non-verbal cues for what would turn your lover on. Wear lucky colors red and blue to channel some good luck your way.
Most compatible signs: Ox is that strong sexy complement to your personality. Dragon and you have a lot in common. Monkey makes you so giddy happy.
Least compatible: Donāt hitch your wagon on Horse. Nothing you do will ever be good enough. Goat just wants your money. Rabbit canāt help but do the opposite of what you want. Beware!
Ox, your perseverance in the previous year will be rewarded soon. If you are single, keep your eyes peeled for The One and seize the moment. Wear lucky color yellow to boost your confidence. You got this. If you are partnered, you can expect a harmonious relationship this coming year, as long as you curb that tendency to overwork. Resist the idea that simply plowing your lover in bed late at night is sufficient. Be diligent in your foreplay to earn your reward.
Most compatible signs: Rat balances your rigid personality. Snake is romantic and supportive of your work. Rooster will love you with loyalty.
Least compatible: You will clash with Goat. Horse has too much of a free spirit to take you seriously. You have nothing in common with Dog. Donāt waste your time.
Tigers, get ready for passion, intimacy, and juicy romance this year. If you are single, don’t be surprised if you suddenly get all kinds of hot sexy attention. If you are partnered, there will be a deepening of emotional understanding between you. Want to explore a new aspect of your sexuality? Trust that your partner will go there with you. Wear orange and black to make the most of that powerful Tiger energy.
Most compatible signs: Pig may be your opposite but you can really be yourselves with each other. Horse is irresistible to you. Dog brings out your gentle side.
Least compatible: Monkey and you will always argue. A relationship with Snake will be full of suspicions and coldness. Stay away.
Rabbits, what have you been hiding? It’s time to confess the passion and emotion in your heart to that special someone or you just might watch them disappear from your life. If you are partnered, you may want to spice things up but make sure you exercise care in how you express it. Assure your lover how much you care and want to share excitement together. Wear purple to increase your luck in love.
Most compatible: Dog will be happy to live a peaceful life with you. Pig and you have a lot in common. Goat needs you and you love taking care of that horny Goat.
Least compatible: Rooster and you will argue about the littlest things. Dragon and you may seem like you have a lot in common but alas, you two clash. Rat is tricky, too, because it will take time before differences between you will appear and by then, it will be impossible to agree on anything.
Dragons, the Year of the Water Tiger will be a roller coaster ride of sexual exploits and experiences. Remember not to get too caught up in a whirlwind of emotions. Focus on improving communication for both single and partnered Dragons. Wear white to clarify your intentions. If you speak to your lover with respect, tact, and care, you can pretty much get everything you want.
Most compatible: Rooster worships you and will do anything for you. Monkey and you are a creative explosion together, just watch out for Monkeyās tricks. Ratās humor and reliability attracts your stubborn nature.
Least compatible: You and Dog canāt understand or trust each other. Rabbit and you have similarities, but you can only tolerate each other to a certain point. You also clash with other Dragons. There can only be one!
Snake: 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001, 2013
Snakes, the Year of the Water Tiger will throw many unexpected twists your way. Partnered Snakes may get into misunderstandings. Single Snakes may be tempted to tangle with complicated ex-es. Stay grounded. Be clear about your motives. Put that sexy tongue to good use when speaking and when pleasuring your lover. Wear tangerine for luck.
Most compatible: Monkey and you have similarities. You admire Roosterās good taste and ability to avoid getting eaten up by you. Ox grounds you and is a reliable anchor.
Least compatible: Tiger is too suspicious and cold. Pig will tolerate you, but canāt trust you. I mean, youāre a Snake! And admittedly, Pig is good eatinā!
Horse: 1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2014
Horses, stop overthinking and let your heart lead the way. Single horses end the loneliness this Year of the Water Tiger. Open yourself up to your sensual nature. If you are partnered, appreciate the effort your partner puts into your relationship and reciprocate! Go for a sexy ride together, maybe even a jaunt in the great outdoors. Feel the wind in your mane and the muscles in your body. Wearing red and blue is good for you.
Most compatible: Goatās tenderness will make you feel content. Tiger will try hard to win you. Dog will be your loyal partner.
Least compatible: Rat will clash with you. Save yourselves the pain. Ox will be difficult to communicate with. Other Horses are great to work with but too similar to be compatible in love.
Goat: 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003, 2015
Goats, listen to the people you love. That means, family and friends. That also especially means your lover. The key to your happiness this Year of the Water Tiger lies in your ability to understand your lover’s needs. Don’t lock horns over minor disagreements. Is it really worth it? Honestly, train your ears to your lover’s voice and respond with a loving yes. Single Goats can look forward to unexpected flings this year so dress your best always (make sure your underwear is on point, too). Wear yellow for luck.
Most compatible: Horse makes up for your shortcomings, and vice versa. Rabbit is dependable. Pig is warm and gentle.
Least compatible: Ox and you can be so stubborn and uncompromising. Rat and you easily misunderstand each other. Dog and you have very few things in common.
Monkeys, you are clearly the King and Queen of the swingers this coming year. Single Monkeys want passion and exploration, but no commitments. That’s all good as long as you communicate clearly with your fuck buddies or FWBs. That goes for partnered Monkeys as well. Trust is the currency of the swing set. Balance honesty with tact. Baby blue is your lucky color.
Most compatible: Snake is either your hottest lover or your coldest foe. Rat cheers you up like no other. Dragon inspires you.
Least compatible: Tiger will fight you constantly. Pig doesnāt have the same interests and life goals as you.
Roosters, you are comfortable in your nest. You don’t want to change a thing. Partnered Roosters are smooth sailing. Single Roosters stay single, maybe even too preoccupied with work. But seriously, lift your head every so often and look around. Notice that one person that has been with you right from the start. That one who supports you and is there for you through thick or thin. At some point this year, you are going to have to fight for that person. Make sure you do. Wear yellow for luck.
Most compatible: Dragonās accomplishments make you proud and you love to boost from behind. Snake gets you, your life and dreams. Ox is honest and a steady partner.
Least compatible: Rabbit has contrasting opinions that clash with yours. Dog and you can tolerate each other but itās always tense. Who wants to live with all that tension? Other Roosters fight with you often and canāt compromise. Donāt get caught in a constant cockfight.
Dogs, take a leap of faith this Year of the Water Tiger. Let life surprise you with all its glory. Single Dogs bump into long lost friends. Partnered Dogs reignite the passion that drew them together in the first place. Take the time to reminisce about the good times. Make some new memories, perhaps even some sweet escapades to look back on with fondness. Wear an understated grey for luck.
Most compatible: Rabbit is kind and supportive. Tiger is reassuring and needs your loyalty. Horse understands and respects you.
Least compatible: Dragon and you are distrustful of one another. You will have intense arguments with each other. Ox and you have dissimilar interests. Goat and you tolerate each other, but thatās it.
Pigs, are you ready to move out of your comfort zone and reach for something new? Cast aside your doubts and take a chance on love. Trust that the stars are on your side. Single Pigs, I’m talking to you. Partnered Pigs, it is an auspicious year to tie the knot. Pigs in long term commitments, you may be curious about exploring polyamory. Communicate with care. Wear yellow for luck.
Most compatible: Tiger is brave and makes you feel secure. Rabbit wants to snuggle up and bask in your intelligence. You have a lot of common interests with Goat.
Least compatible: Snake will eat you alive. A relationship with Monkey will be full of tension.
Was my prediction for your zodiac sign helpful? Let me know in the comments what your sign is and what your love & sex game plan is going to be on this Year of the Water Tiger. Good luck to you! Roar!
When I was five I was Batgirl. Not just on Halloween. I was Batgirl everyday, everywhere. Eventually my Mom convinced me that I didnāt need to wear the costume to be Batgirl. After all, superheroes are still superheroes even when they are in their civilian clothes. I adored Barbara Gordon just as much as I did Batgirl. She is a Librarian, a real hero in my book.
I went into first grade at a Catholic school run by nuns. (I wore a tan uniform on regular days and an all-white one they called our gala uniform for when there was Mass on a special day. But this is irrelevant. Anywayā¦) One afternoon after school I was snooping around the nunsā cloister and found a giant fruit bat, the famous flying fox, hanging upside down from the rafters. I donāt know how big it actually was, but six-year-old me remembers it as humungous. I may as well have seen God. I trembled in awe and fear, backed away with my wide eyes glued, hoping the creature does not fix its powerful gaze upon me.
For the rest of my life the Bat owns me. I invoke her powers when I need resonance and echolocation, courage in darkness, rest in uncomfortable circumstances.
Like that time in New York City when I met the Man I would marry. It was the middle of a blizzard. He invited me to his place on Staten Island, a Victorian Mansion haunted with giant ceramic demons hanging from trees, feathered Indians made of stone, and life size Nativity figures looking out from inside the street-level fence. Indoors there were grand pianos, antique furniture piled on top of each other, a billiards table in the basement, and taxidermy birds, fox and a giant elk head mounted on the other side of the wall his third floor bedroom loft was against. By the time I got in his bed, we had already been out three times and I was wondering why he wouldn’t make a move on me. So I kissed him. That was all it took. It unleashed in him the giant wild horned beast just a wall away from our heads. We fell in love.
There was one afternoon when he and I walked from the Mansion to the Staten Island Ferry bound for Manhattan. He stopped me, and bent to pick up a black plastic Batman ring on the snow-white ground. Then he took my left hand and slipped the toy on my ring finger. Realizing what heād just done, we both became nervous. A strong gust of cold river wind hit us. I pondered it all while the winding winter wind whipped at us. At that time I hadn’t yet told him I was Batgirl. What was going on? Who gave him a clue? And most importantly, did it mean I could hang upside down with him for the rest of my life? The Lenape natives called the large island south of Manhattan Aquehonga Manacknong, āSandy Shores and Haunted Forests.ā Those island ghosts knew.
Decades later, my Elk-Man and I live together in a big old 19th century farmhouse with a barn attic full of antique furniture, art, and toys of our own. I’m still Batgirl and this is where I hang.
Today is my parents’ wedding anniversary. Almost nine months later I was born, which informs me that I was either a honeymoon baby or the shotgun that made the wedding happen. I never asked. I know that whether it was through forbidden lust or wedding night excitement, I was born of passion between two young and beautiful people. I like leaving it at that.
Throughout my life I found that at my best I exude sexual power, passion, desire. I am a natural flirt. I make love to everyone I encounter in one way or another. At my worst I am ashamed to draw attention to myself. My very existence is a disgrace, a hushed up secret people whisper about while they shake their heads and click their tongues knowingly.
I was born with jaundice, so I remained at the hospital for two weeks after my birth. My parents visited me daily, but I learned that I could cry my head off and still not be held if it wasn’t on schedule. By the time I came home from the hospital my mother said that I was such a “good” baby. I never fussed. At less than a month old, I already knew how to take care of myself, not be demanding, just take what I get and don’t get upset.
I spent my childhood being the “good girl.” I truly was. I took everything I learned about Jesus and life to heart. I read voraciously. I was thoughtful, diligent, quiet. But I had a lot of questions that no one around me could answer and pretty soon I learned to silence those questions because they bothered people.
Upon reflection I realize that I’ve always had a well-developed secret life. It’s where I put all the unanswered questions, the provocative ones that most people don’t dare utter. It’s where I stored my ugly feelings, jealousy, anger, ambition. It’s where I learned about sex and desire. It’s where it was okay to be “bad.”
On the outside I continued going to church, getting good marks at Catholic school, singing at choir. I got so good at being “good,” so good at seeming good to make other people feel good. In college I got involved in theatre and it freed me. For the first time I could be “bad” and be applauded for it. I didn’t know it then but in time I noticed that I almost always got cast in sexy roles: the femme fatale mermaid, the hyper-sexual old maid, the tragic drug addicted porn star, the powerful whore… the list goes on. I inhabited these characters like my life depended on it, because for a brief moment my secret life could breathe, speak, move.
When Jay and I first started dating he saw me in one of my shows, really saw me, and helped release that secret me into the real world. It was so exciting! The badder I got, the more he liked me.
Then the internet saved many an introvert’s life, mine included. Jay and I dove head first into the web, full send. My secret life thrived online, right here on this blog that I’ve been writing since 2002. I found people I connect with: critical thinkers, sexuality explorers, creatives and geeks of all kinds. We all brought our secret lives together to create this world, one blog, one post, one tweet at a time.
This photo is from January 2002 in Las Vegas when I attended the AVN convention. I’m looking out to the Venetian hotel courtyard, naked as a newborn baby, arms outstretched taking up space. Not a care for anyone else in the world. Not a fuck given to anyone else’s opinion. Open to any and all experience. Young, bold, and stupid.
So much has happened since. Life has had its way with me, blown me up, knocked me down. It takes a little more bravery to get back up and keep going after my confidence is shaken but here I am again, standing naked looking out my window in January 2021, a little wiser for the wear, taking up space. I am still here. I am worthy.
I know where my power comes from. I trust it. I step into it. I belong here. This is my rightful place. I am worthy of this space.
First Hump Day of 2021. How is your work week so far? I am starting the year with a daily yoga practice. So far so good, 6 out of 6 days in.
I’ve done yoga off and on for years but haven’t connected to it until now. During the latter part of the past year I rediscovered it, paying special attention to the first chakra.
All summer I ran around barefoot in the backyard imagining roots growing out of my feet and digging deep into the ground, absorbing the nutrients of the soil, nourishing me from toes to the crown of my head. I repeated a mantra, “I belong here.”
As an immigrant, someone who has moved around a bit, I can be rootless, sometimes escapist. At best my escapism fuels creativity. At worst I may be avoidant and non-confrontational of problems or difficulties in life. Whenever Jay and I fought, and we did fiercely, my instincts were to fight or flight.
I started doing yoga when it got too cold. My appreciation, adoration, and reverence for the first chakra deepened. I am learning to ground myself in the strength of my butt hole before reaching to the heavens.
Give your ass some love and everything else will align, stacked neatly on top of it.
Happy New Year! As of this moment I am bundled up in this wool blanket Jay gave me for Christmas. It zips open in the middle to allow me to wear it as a serape. It is my favorite thing to wear.
Last year I posted my Slut Stats, which spanned an entire decade from 2010 to 2019. This past year 2020 I only had a total of 5 periods, with an average of 63 days in a cycle, the longest being 140 days, and the shortest 20 days. The last time I had my period was in November.
I had a total of 6 partners, all male, all people I’d previously been with. By March when we were made aware of the pandemic, Jay and I became monogamous. I had sex 333 out of 366 days.
As difficult as 2020 was, it was also transformational for me on a personal level. I realized that I had been too preoccupied attempting to be the woman of other people’s dreams, that I had not asked myself the most important question: Am I the woman of my dreams?
As 2020 fades into a memory, I release myself from the pressure to be your or anyone else’s fantasy woman. I release myself from my fear that I’m too old, irrelevant, not keeping up with the amazing young sexy talent slaying the social media scene.
I am looking forward to becoming the woman of my dreams. I am stepping up to shine as an even more authentic version of my self, even though at this point, I’m not completely sure who that is. I am going into 2021 with curiosity, confidence in my pleasure, and clear communication. I trust that the Me that I am becoming is loved and desirable.
As we go deeper into this winter, I invite you to stay in. Give me tonight. Regalame Esta Noche šµš¶
Pillow talk: How did 2020 transform you? What do you look forward to becoming in 2021?
Thank you for appearing to me in my dream. You look beautiful! The whole dream was lit in the romance I have come to see in places and people I miss. I am in an old Spanish style house in an unknown Philippine province. I am putting clothes away in a cabinet. The capiz shell windows glow in the sun. It is high noon but cool indoors. I hear a tricycle pull up outside, bags being loaded. I go out and there you are, about to get on that tricycle.
āIām going back to Manila,ā you say. āCome with me.ā
I shake my head. āNot right now.ā
I really want to, but I decide not to. I still have things to do. I donāt think too hard about it.
So I watch you go off on that tricycle kicking up sepia dust on that bright sunny day. Iām filled with joy having caught a glimpse of your otherworldly beauty. I feel the loss of having chosen to stay behind.
I woke up crying and realizing the impact of another dream I had, about a month before you died. I didnāt give much importance to it at the time. I blogged about it, but didnāt name you, or let you know it was you. I was embarrassed. It revealed more than I was willing to share.
In the dream I was walking along a beach with you. There are two guys with us. I donāt recognize any of them in my lexicon of real life guys, but in this dream world we are hanging out with them. You throw off your clothes and jump in the water. The guys follow quickly. I fumble with the buttons on my white shirt. It is taking me so long to undress. I woke before I am able to join you skinny dipping.
I didnāt understand it then. I didn’t see that dream as a premonition. I felt remorse for being too late, regret for moments I let pass because of some stupid reason or another, a crippling awkwardness about things. A little over a month after my dream, you slipped into a coma and died.
One of these days I will be able to join you in the ocean or ride away on a tricycle. Maybe I’ll catch you the next time you come around. As the sky goes dark tonight, I am reminded that pain is not the enemy. It merely points the way to the wound. Before we tend to it, we have to understand what the injury is. We have to allow ourselves to experience it. Then we can take steps toward healing and transformation.
I suppose a lot of fallen beings now miss The Gardenās heavenly Fruits. And Iāll tell you why:
In that place exists Complete Bliss. A Fruitāany Fruitāplucked from its enchanted trees, and savored garden-fresh is guaranteed to bring you to the Ultimate of your Beingāno matter what level of Be-ing you might be at the moment. This is an experience many seek, for both enlightenment and pleasure, and it is because of this service that many bitter beingsāthose denied access and who sulk salivating hungrily at the Gatesācall it The Cosmic Brothel.
Yes, dear friends. In The Garden one could find the Supreme Fuck, and reach the mind-shaking, soul-stirring Orgasm that could fire up your neurons swifter than Hermes on speed and expand your consciousness faster and greater than Zephyrus could ever impress with his smoke-rings.
In The Garden, Orgasms are made into Legends. That rumor about Osiris and Isis making out in The Nile and a crocodile biting off Osirisā Venerable Dick? It occurred Right Here, when he won Isis (then a plump, ripe, rare Fruit-Woman specimen, in bloom only for every dozen millennia) in a game of dice, and chose to hump his prize in the Stream of Motherās Milk where a gameful lizard nipped at his member. Strengthened by the milk, Isis was blessed with the awareness to search for the still-throbbing penis while Osiris howled in unholy pain. You all know that the search proved futile, but since then every being was aware of who wore the proverbial pants in the family.
Isis was one of the few fruits to achieve Deity-status, which she probably earned by impressing upon everyone that the heat that possessed her loins equaled only the determination to find her mateās penis. Thereās nothing like a single-minded, driven woman, and she got her due reward! They never found the real organ, but being the cosmic beings they were, they discovered alternative ways to get it on, and always, in the warm creaminess of the Stream, which, in their more affectionate moments, they called their āmotherā. It is because of this, perhaps, that some have thought Isis and Osiris sister and brother.
