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  • What’s your poison?

    What’s your poison?

    I put on the antlers Jay bought me a few days ago. It made me happy to run around naked in the woods behind our house where many a herd of deer have passed through. I keep a pile of fruit and vegetable scraps at the edge of the wood year round, but winter is when the wild life need it most.

    I hiked to the top of this cliff. Jay took my photos from the bottom of the rocky hill.

    I went down on all fours like a beast, waving my invisible tail side to side. When I descended he covered me with his arms and told me I was beautiful.

    We made love tenderly at first, then dirty, like animals. He filled me and filled me and filled me until I oozed delirious and he was spent.

    I washed up, got dressed, and picked up our kid from school. I slid to the passenger seat to let her drive us home.

    “How was your day?” I asked. She paused before she told me she had a weird day of not much happening in her classes, then at study hall her friend messaged to say that his dad died. He wasn’t ill. He just died. My daughter seemed deeply affected by that. It hit her hard to think that any day, without warning or indication, she could lose either one of her parents, too.

    I took a proactive role and said that we should go get food for her friend’s family. We got a whole rotisserie chicken, a vegetable side dish, and yellow chrysanthemums. I told my daughter to text her friend to ask if we could come over with some food. He said yes.

    By the time we got out of the grocery store, it was pouring really hard. My daughter drove in the rain to her friend’s house. It was a long way to Hope, which is the next town over from ours. She turned into a dirt road and up a hill. At the top of the hill is her friend’s house. His family had moved here from Illinois just a year ago. The car parked outside still has Illinois plates. Who knows what situation they are in now without the father?

    My daughter wanted me to come along with her. She is so shy, my kid. We put on our masks and walked up to the house.

    Her friend answered the door. He looked tired. His eyes were red and puffy.

    “I’m so sorry,” I said, as I handed him the paper bag full of food.

    He said, “None of us feel like cooking.”

    “We figured,” I said. I wanted to hug him, but I didn’t know what was right anymore. We ran back to the car to get out of the rain.

    When we got home, my daughter baked me a birthday cake while Jay and I made dinner. We talked about life and love. We told stories and laughed. Underneath it all was the thought that death comes for us all, sooner or later. The question isn’t when, it’s how.

    Find what you love and let it kill you.

    Attributed to Charles Bukowski

    We all get to pick our poison. Some people choose alcohol, drugs, sugar. Others have an obsession with thinness and beauty. Then there are those whose passion becomes a poison, revolutionaries, workaholics, lovers of all kinds.

    Jay always said he wanted a beautiful woman to kill him. She could be me, killing him slowly, one headache, one heartache, at a time. If my life was a painting, I’ve already messed up the canvas, made many mistakes and accumulated regrets for inaction. It’s time to pull together all the loose ends, the painful lessons, the dark memories of my life and transform it into a beautiful work of art.

    That night, as I blew out the candles on my birthday cake, I wished for more time to love him the way he wants to be loved as a unique and extraordinary human. I’ve only just begun to learn how.

    Love, Lust, & Liberty,

    May Ling Su signature

    P.S. See the full photo set at MAYCAM.

  • Strange Things

    Strange Things

    Shortly after Lilith: Queen of the Demons was published Jay and I became friends with a young woman named Lillian. She had straight black hair down to her waist, an hourglass figure, and a pretty smile. She used to visit weekly, always dressed impeccably from head to toe. She and Jay spent a lot of time together, cooking and baking all kinds of goodies. They were friends and sometimes they were lovers.

    When Lillian was a baby in Vietnam, she suffered a fire injury that required her to undergo surgery. The operation left her without a belly button for the rest of her life. Just like Lilith, who was not born of a human mother, fashioned out of clay by God.

    It was uncanny and I thought it auspicious to have her in our lives. There was a point when she began looking for a house to buy in which we could all live together, but it all changed when she met someone else. They got married in a whirl. We never saw her again.

    I will always consider her arrival as an otherworldly presence. The divine moves in mysterious ways. I cannot begin to fathom it. I can only be thankful when it happens.

    Lilith book series on audiobook, kindle, paperback by May Ling Su

    Another strange visitation occurred when I was recording the audiobook for Lilith: Generations of Cain. I didn’t notice it while I recorded, but during playback the angel and demon names were obscured by static.

    The first time it happened I got a shiver down my spine. I took a pause, then went back in front of the microphone like a soldier. Every time it happened I got more stubborn and determined to get through the text. Lilith: Generations of Cain is all about the power of names. It seemed to me that a presence, divine or not, was making me work hard to pronounce these holy and unholy names.

    This past summer as I worked on Lilith: Beyond the Deluge, I was on a business call with someone who went off tangent about strange situations he had found himself in, seeing supernatural creatures among people in New York City, hearing people’s thoughts from across the room. He said he felt like he could tell me these things he never told anyone. I listened to him for an hour before I wrapped up the conversation and brought it back to business. I asked for his name.

    “Michael.”

    “You have an ‘el’ name,” I mused. Many of the angels (and some demons) have names that end with ‘el.’ Azazel, Samael, Rafael, Gabriel, Baraqiel, Daniel, Michael…

    “Ah, so you know…” He sounded pleased. “It comes from God’s name ‘El Shaddai’ and ‘Elohim.’”

    I thanked him again and said goodbye.

    Before he hung up he said, “You will hear from me again.”

    I thought nothing of it. Even when I pulled out of the garage and saw a crow sitting in a tree across from me I didn’t think to tie anything together.

    I should mention that it was a special day, my Dad’s birthday and my (great grand aunt) Lola Ilyang’s death day. I facetimed with my Dad that evening, but the only way I connected with Lola Ilyang was from mysterious events that happened all day: a swarm of bees robbing my hive, the phone call from an angel, the crow in the tree. Everything brought me memories of her.

    Laurelia (Lola Ilyang) was a spinster who lived with her little dachshund, Cupsi, in a hut in the middle of a tobacco field in Pangasinan. She was the first witchy woman in my life. She had long salt and pepper hair. She told stories of the kapre smoking her tobacco. She entertained our maids by reading common playing cards for divination.

    Ten days after the odd phone call, my mother tagged me in a Facebook post. My college friend died. Deogracias Cruz. Is there a name more God-like than his? The Facebook post contained a video of Deo singing the Prayer to St. Michael.

    “Saint Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle. Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil; May God rebuke him, we humbly pray; And do thou, O Prince of the Heavenly Host, by the power of God, thrust into hell Satan and all evil spirits who wander through the world for the ruin of souls. Amen.”

    The man on the phone said I would hear from him again. I did not know it would be this way.

    That afternoon Jay invited me out to the temple he had built in our backyard, overgrown with yarrow and lupines in the spring; tansy, mint, and goldenrod in the late summer. Jay spent the summer clearing around an arrangement of rocks and made paths to it. He decorated the place with Hindu gods and goddesses, Balinese wooden animals, and a statue of Quan Yin. There is a bed of marbles of various sizes, a solar system at the foot of a wooden frog. A Nag Champa cone burned and dripped smoke down a path in the rocks. As soon as the incense burned out, it started to rain. Thunder. We went inside.

    I made chicken soup from scratch. It’s a long process that begins with boiling a chicken carcass into broth. My daughter named it “Mama’s famous chicken soup” way back when a butcher in California used to gift me with chicken carcasses whenever I came around his shop. I set aside a wishbone for my collection. I keep several wishbones in a little teapot. I realize it’s kind of witchy but it makes me feel lucky.

    Deogracias. Thank You, God.

    Love, Lust, & Liberty,

    May Ling Su signature

  • I want it now.

    I want it now.

    I’m desperately craving a halo-halo right now. What I would give for a tall glass of it… I want a bean feast, the crunch of crushed ice, with creamy flan and ube ice cream topping. Don’t care how. I want it now.

    I’d also love a green mango, tart and crisp, with bagoong. If not, I could eat a santol, the sour brown flesh first then the sweet white pulp in the center… I don’t remember the last time I’ve had one.

    May Ling Su in cougar bra and sheer lingerie

    And duhat… I remember picking so much duhat from a tree that my fingers turned violet. So good… but so long since I last put one in my mouth.

    May Ling Su in cougar bra and sheer lingerie

    Tell me, what are you craving for?

    Love, Lust, & Liberty,

  • I got stung.

    I got stung.

    It doesn’t hurt anymore, though. Good to know I’m not allergic, just feeling stupid and sorry that my fierce little honeybee had to die to teach me a lesson. There is nothing I can do to bring her back, no offering or apology. All I can do is learn from experience. I should not have gone into the middle frames at all. Delicate stuff, making babies. It’s life or death in there. I should have respected their inner chamber. That’s where the magic happens.

    One month since my bees moved in and they are a thriving busy hive. I’ve seen a drone, a male whose only job is to fuck the Queen with his endophallus, pop off into her Queen V, then die shortly after. A queen typically gets gangbanged and creampied by up to 20 drones in an afternoon. It’s enough cum for her to lay eggs the rest of her life.

    Queen Puabee is productive and beautiful! Her all-female worker bees are attentive and protective. When I went into the two middle frames a small army attacked me. I was wearing a beekeeping veil and jacket, but one of the worker bees stung my thigh right through my skinny Levi’s. I suck at making a smoker so I had no smoke and I don’t want to smoke my bees out anyway, so I walked about twenty feet off and lit my smoker again and surprisingly it worked and I smoked myself out until the bees left me. Then I went back, closed their hive back up, and filled their feeder with simple syrup.

    Just two weeks earlier on the 14th day beehive inspection, they weren’t as fiercely protective yet. Get a glimpse of Queen Puabee in this video — she is marked with blue paint on her thorax — and listen to me get all excited about larvae.

     

    Love, Lust, & Liberty,

  • You can call me Queen Bee.

    You can call me Queen Bee.

    I’ve wanted this for so long and now I finally did it. I set up a beehive.

    There were about 15,000 bees and Queen jammed in this traveling box for 1,500 miles. Tired and hungry for days, they were in no mood to be shaken and pounded out, even if it was into a more spacious hive where I had over half a gallon of sugar syrup waiting for them.

    I couldn’t have done this without you and your support of my projects, so congratulations to you, too. WE STARTED A BEEHIVE!

    I will be checking in on the queen in a few days to make sure she is feeling sexy in her new home. I’ve named her Queen Puabee, after the Sumerian Queen Puabi of the First Dynasty of Ur.

    May Ling Su Queen Bee Bhramari Devi by Mani C. Price
    Queen Bee Bhramari Devi painting by Mani C. Price

    I’ve been keeping our two acres lush and inviting to pollinators and other wild creatures for years. I’m confident that there will be plenty of nectar for everybody.

    It might still be a long time before I see some honey. This early stage is all about my girls building the combs for Queen Puabee to lay eggs. Once they make honey I’ll have to make sure they have enough to survive over the winter. So much to learn but I’m really excited to do it.

    Wish me luck.

    Love, Lust, & Liberty,

  • I’ve lost track of what day it is. Or what time.

    I’ve lost track of what day it is. Or what time.

    Some days I am insatiable. I crave sex and sensation to remind myself that I’m alive. Other days I lose myself in the abstract world, the pages of Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein or the chaos of the internet. I forget I am flesh and blood until my head throbs and my stomach rumbles.

    I suspect you feel the same way, caught in a pendulum of not-life and not-death. Without a routine, the distraction of jobs, and constant societal demands, we are forced to contend with the real questions. What is life about? What is my purpose? Is it the apocalypse out there or an elaborate lie? If you think we’re living in a dystopia now, it’s important to note that some people in other parts of the world have been living a version of hell for a long time. What is my part in all of this?

    May Ling Su drinks her water in bed wearing blach thigh high tights

    Drink your water, bitch.

    May Ling Su in igorot tapis drinks water

    Take a shower or a bath.

    Get some fresh air.

    Breathe.

    Get enough sleep.

    Love, Lust, & Liberty,

  • Nature Lover

    Nature Lover

    Last summer I had a lovely time over Skype with Padmapani Perez and Rev. Joseph Santos-Lyons, hosts of Agam the Climate Podcast. They posted my interview and reading of my piece Power Couple for their Valentine’s Day episode.

    Have a listen on Spotify. We dish about the process of writing my piece in the book, Agam. I talk about the Lilith series and feminism. I share lifestyle changes I’ve made toward lowering my carbon footprint and mothering children who will continue to take care of our planet. I feel a little sheepish now listening to myself talk about Greta Thunberg as if no one has ever heard of her, but this was before she sailed across the Atlantic and became a climate change superstar so ignore my over-explaining who she is and enjoy the rest of the conversation.

    The folks at Agam honored me with four tree seedlings for this interview and I couldn’t be more proud of it.

    Toward the end of the interview Padma asked what I foresee for the adult industry in the face of climate change and I gave a vague answer about being able to adapt as we always have, which is true. The adult industry has always been an early adopter and on the forefront of trends and tech. But here is a more specific way porn is addressing environmental crises.

    Sexecology, a form of environmental activism by porn performance artist Annie Sprinkle and her partner, Elizabeth Stephens, combines education and activism in live performances to get people to care for the earth the way one cares for a lover.

    Perhaps you’ve been skinny dipping, had sex in the great outdoors, and fucked yourself with vegetables. I have. I’ve eaten fruit so good they made me moan. I’ve straddled tree trunks and hugged their limbs. Rain and snow, lightning and thunder puts me in a horny mood.

    What about you? The natural world is a sensual delight. Tell me about your erotic experience in nature. What do you do to let her know you love her?

    May Ling Su nude in the woods

    Love, Lust, and Liberty,

    May Ling Su signature