Meet the Woman of My Dreams

May Ling Su in bed, legs coming out of blanket.

Happy New Year! As of this moment I am bundled up in this wool blanket Jay gave me for Christmas. It zips open in the middle to allow me to wear it as a serape. It is my favorite thing to wear.

Last year I posted my Slut Stats, which spanned an entire decade from 2010 to 2019. This past year 2020 I only had a total of 5 periods, with an average of 63 days in a cycle, the longest being 140 days, and the shortest 20 days. The last time I had my period was in November.

I had a total of 6 partners, all male, all people I’d previously been with. By March when we were made aware of the pandemic, Jay and I became monogamous. I had sex 333 out of 366 days.

As difficult as 2020 was, it was also transformational for me on a personal level. I realized that I had been too preoccupied attempting to be the woman of other people’s dreams, that I had not asked myself the most important question: Am I the woman of my dreams?

As 2020 fades into a memory, I release myself from the pressure to be your or anyone else’s fantasy woman. I release myself from my fear that I’m too old, irrelevant, not keeping up with the amazing young sexy talent slaying the social media scene.

I am looking forward to becoming the woman of my dreams. I am stepping up to shine as an even more authentic version of my self, even though at this point, I’m not completely sure who that is. I am going into 2021 with curiosity, confidence in my pleasure, and clear communication. I trust that the Me that I am becoming is loved and desirable.

May Ling Su in bed, naked under her blanket.

As we go deeper into this winter, I invite you to stay in. Give me tonight. Regalame Esta Noche 🎵🎶

Pillow talk: How did 2020 transform you? What do you look forward to becoming in 2021?

Love, Lust, & Liberty,

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6 Responses

  1. your better at 45(?) that you were at early 20’s. I am surprised to hear that you had not been in touch with yourself and putting yourself first. I had so considered you one of the real porn stars who did things for herself and not for others. Trite to say but ever true “you can’t love others if you don’t love yourself”. It is easy to define yourself. You are what you do You are not Walter Mitty inside your head. Harder to embrace yourself if you do not doing who you are. So many do not embrace their sexuality and I hope you have and do and this has not been a show. Great show if real.

    Too man you never were able to sail on Whats UP Doc out of Castine with me. I have sol dit not. Too big to handle on my own. Good crew is harder to find than a hard man or something like that. Is that how it is said?

    1. I love your comment. Thank you! You have been following me for so long that you are seeing my stages of development as if all time is now. In my 20s-30s I was definitely completely and unabashedly myself, even carelessly so. As I began my 40s all my carelessness caught up with me. My marriage floundered, went through trauma after trauma. I started second-guessing everything I thought I was. I withdrew. I tried to keep the facade but I was in a very dark place. I still may be. But I’m getting better, stronger, clearer.

      Here’s to loving ourselves fully and finding a good crew! Cheers! 🍷

  2. I have admired and respected you for years (we had an email exchange about the beach called Fort Tilden in Rockaway, Queens way way back closer to 2010. )

    The respect is about your attitude and your openness and sense of personal freedom and art — not about any particular video you made or story you wrote or piece you did or anything specifically naughty. It’s about your entire attitude.

    I respect your fearlessness and love of life and how you made your own path, so to me you have ALWAYS been a woman who was WHO she wanted to be. (but I also understand it may feel differently for you and I respect that).

    Thank you so much for writing this entry and happy new year, May.
    (ps — Jay is one of the luckiest guys on earth!!!!).

    1. Thank you, Matthew. I’ve been described as “fearless” and “brave” many times, but I’ve had to battle feelings of shame and inadequacy all my life. The times I am able to show up are my triumphs. There are times when I fail with only the people closest to me witnessing. I aim to show up more in 2021. I truly appreciate your encouragement. I wish you health, love, and happiness this coming year. Cheers!

  3. Hey May, It looks like you are going to go through a major change in your life, just like I did at your age. Yes, I was fired from my wonderful job in San Francisco and had to tuck my tail between my legs and return to Sacramento; I also returned to my lowlife job. Well, my fellow workers welcomed me back and let me know I was very good at this medical job and should continue to follow this path through Sac City College. I went to the school and discovered a program for me and my future! Yes, I had to bust my butt for the next 4 years to achieve respectability; with that said, I was promoted to a very good position.
    May, you might need to develop new skills through a return to school; that community college changed my life by setting new goals to achieve future success. Place your faith in the Big Man above and chat with your guardian angel for guidance. You will find love and success as well! LOL, Len

    1. I feel it. I feel a change in me and the way I see the world around me. It’s inspiring to read about your experience in midlife career change. Thank you, Len 🙏

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